1. Stephen Harper’s Facebook Phobia.
Something about kicking those two kids out of Conservative rallies for posing with Michael Ignatieff on Facebook sends chills down our spines. Apology: Too little, too late. If the backlash keeps up, look for the prime minister to roll out the piano and torture another Beatles song. Hint: A Little Help From My Friends is easier to sing than Imagine. If Ringo Starr can sing it, anyone can.
2 American Idol
For anyone wondering if this is the best season yet, Wednesday night’s show, featuring killer performances from all nine survivors should seal the deal. Any one of the nine could have blown away last year’s winner, er, what’s his name. Idol is back. Even Randy Jackson (“Yo, Dawg”) looks and sounds better this year. Of course, anyone who turns up in the same shot as Jennifer Lopez looks better.
3. Record price for gold and silver.
Precious metals got more precious. An ounce of gold now costs $1,457.69 and an ounce of silver costs $39.73. The price of an ounce of common sense: Still priceless. That big crunching noise is the sound of Canadians having their gold fillings removed in order to make the down payment on their mortgages.
4. Tiger Woods
It’s the Masters this week and everybody is wondering if Tiger has any game left. There’s obviously enough for the 22-year-old daughter of his agent at IMG. Is it my imagination or is his new girlfriend Alyse Lahti Johnston virtually indistinguishable from Elin Nordegren, the woman who finally put Tiger’s career in the rough after all her husband’s bad lies? Tiger has come a long way from the kid who blew away the competition at his first Masters as a pro back in 1997, when he set a course record for the tournament and beat everyone else by 12 strokes. A long way … down.
5. Nuclear tsunami nerves.
Aftershocks, fallout, new tsuanami warnings, oh my. Chicken Little doesn’t know where to look. On schedule for 2012: End of the world.
6. Kirstie Ally falls down but gets back up again. Dancing With the Mars Bars…
7. Why are we in…Libya?
8. Silvio Berlusconi: Can you say train wreck in Italian? (treno relitto?)
9. Snow in Calgary: the final flick of Winter’s Tail.
10. Bieber watch: His voice breaks in Antwerp and some idiot buys his shoe for $14,000, and that’s only the right foot.