Hockey agnostics, unite! - Metro US

Hockey agnostics, unite!

Say R.I.P to your relationship for the rest of the hockey post-season, ladies, your man is about to abandon you in favour of a bunch of bearded dudes on ice.

Yes, the seemingly impossible has happened: a Canadian team has made it to the Stanley Cup final. Now it may not be “your” team, but the boys in blue and green are Canuck nonetheless and that means every Molson-blooded male will be taking up permanent residence on his bar stool/couch cushion of choice for the next two weeks.

A Canadian team hasn’t taken home the cup since 1993, so apparently this is a pretty big deal. And with many hockey-loving lads still riding high off the 2010 Olympic gold medal win, it seems people are excited about our chances.

Personally, I feel pretty “meh” about hockey, but as someone who looks like Bambi out on the ice I can appreciate the skill of the sport. Plus, there’s fighting and beer. How is a girl going to compete with all the bruising and boozing the NHL has to offer?

Starting tomorrow, be prepared for an absentee other half or, even worse, a living room full of rowdy puck enthusiasts with very little regard for the noise level or the furniture. Your presence will be entirely forgotten unless you’re in charge of picking up the pizza.

Date nights will be replaced with double overtime. You will be subjected to endless recaps, stats and highlight reels. The sights and sounds of Don Cherry’s colourful blazers and grating commentary will permeate your nightmares.

And, of course, don’t expect to score unless his team does. Your sex life is about to become heavily dependent on Roberto Luongo’s goaltending. If the Canucks do lose, the phrase “It’s just a game” will only worsen your chances with your moody bedfellow.

So what’s the best strategy when dealing with hockey night neglect? Stay away. Plan field trips with fellow hockey widows and make peace with the fact that you might not have a meaningful conversation with your mate until the post-season ends.

If you do find yourself staying in on game night, do your best to remember this simple commandment: don’t change the channel under any circumstances. It doesn’t matter if it’s The Bachelorette’s “most dramatic rose ceremony ever,” if you even so much as glance at the remote during a commercial break you will be banished from your own home until after Game 7 (if necessary).

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