Attention, readers who value their lives: You are in danger! While you read this innocuous-looking sentence (don’t be fooled!), criminals could be violating your home, office or body.
That’s because crime is everywhere.
It’s in Canadian downtowns, uptowns, upper downtowns, downer uptowns, suburbs, ghettos, bayous, kibbutzes, duck blinds, under the bed, below the gum line, and even in those stubborn and hard to reach places, like Moose Factory. No one is safe.
To be honest, if you’ve read this far without undergoing some form of violent attack, major theft or unwanted touching, such as the “noogie,” then you should count your blessings. If you count them closely, I think you’ll find that several have been stolen.
And now the truly frightening part: There’s nothing you can do about it.
That’s why the Conservative government is getting — nay, must get — tough on crime.
I for one fully support their tough-on-crime agenda (which dovetails nicely with their tough-on-arts and tough-on-environment agenda).
As a left-wing media stooge, I’m expected to oppose everything the Conservatives do, but truth is the media and the government are on the same page, crime-wise.
We both recognize that the quickest way to get people’s attention is through fear.
That’s why so many newscasts begin with some variation on the question, “Should Canadians be worried?” To which the implicit but unspoken reply is “Yes, OF COURSE you should be worried; otherwise, we wouldn’t be bringing you a story about this unprecedented CRISIS, would we, stupid?”
So I say increase the number of prisons until they rival the number of Tim Hortons. Criminals won’t dare commit crimes if there’s always a clink within view.
Don’t think us crass, though. I think it’s clear that, whether government or media, we scare because we care. We worry about crime because we’re worried about your well-being. By raising your vigilance, we are protecting you from the inevitable crime of the future and the unreported crime of the past.
Understand? You win. We care.
And, if you don’t remain vigilant, who knows what might happen? Personally, I worry you’ll miss out on something truly scary and horrible, and you’ll be so embarrassed you were out of the loop that you’ll just wish you were dead.
And if you do die, we in the media will be there to cover it. Like we care.