Journalists saw “Alien: Covenant” two weeks before release, meaning when we wrote our reviews, we had to resist spoiling one of the most delightful and leftfield parts of the movie. You go to see the latest space monster movie to watch stupid humans turned into alien chow. What you almost certainly don’t expect is one Michael Fassbender putting the moves on another Michael Fassbender. And here you assumed you’d never hear the acclaimed Irish actor coo the words “I’ll do the fingering.”
Yes, it turns out the best part of “Alien: Covenant” might not be the bit where the new alien, the albino Neomorph, pops out of some poor guy’s back. (It’s gross. And awesome.) It’s a scene between the film’s two androids, both played by Young Magneto. In “Covenant,” Fassbender pulls double duty. He brings back David, his fastidious, Wagner-loving, Byron-misquoting bot from “Prometheus.” He’s also Walter, a newer, nicer, decidedly less philosophical model who’s part of the new crew that lands on a remote planet soon crawling with hungry, hungry space critters.
David saves the crew from a rampaging Neomorph, but his intentions aren’t quite pure. We soon realize that in the 10 years since the events of “Prometheus,” Davis has decided that humans are dumb and belligerent rage monsters are the future. He wants nothing more than to see the homo sapien crew members wiped out. But he likes Walter. Walter is a robot like him, and he intends to make him a human hater, too.
To do this, he employs the simple art of seduction. In the scene in question, David decides to teach Walter how to play the reed. The phallic nature of the instrument is hilariously impossible to miss. He sits Walter down and all but straddles him, telling him to blow while he does the “fingering.” Watching Fassbender whisper sweet nothings to himself is something else — perhaps even more enjoyable than the scenes where the classic Xenomorph starts bursting out of bodies and taking off heads.
Alas, the hot Fassbender-on-Fassbender action is for naught. Walter remains unconvinced. When he realizes his moves haven’t worked, David plants a kiss on Walter — Fassbender smooching himself (or his stand-in actor). Alas, it’s a kiss of death, like when Michael Corleone plants a big one on Fredo in “The Godfather: Part II.” Once their lips are unlocked, David kills Walter — or so he thinks. Walter survives and the two wind up in a Fassbender fight that’s also pretty hot.
The two-way Fassbender stuff is only part of what makes “Alien: Covenant” one of the weirdest summer movies in history, and this newly relaunched series the most outside-the-box franchise going right now. Ridley Scott, who directed the original “Alien” and re-upped starting with “Prometheus,” will give you your danged monsters. He’ll also give you deep s— about philosophy, God, a post-human future — and two Fassbenders making out. If only the “Transformers” saga tried this hard.
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