Fresh off banning Four Loko and bath salts, New York City has found another fun thing to ban: Mike's Hard Lemonade!

 

As Metro reported earlier today, the city's Health Department is urging the state of New York to ban "alcopops"— malt beverages with artificial flavoring — from bodegas and grocery stores, saying the drinks are too attractive to underage drinkers. This, of course, is an outrage: The governmental intrusion into all our favorite party activities is leaving us with nothing fun left.

 

It's up to us in the private sector to stay one step ahead of the government. What new fun things can we dream up to replace our dear departed Four Lokos, bath salts and Smirnoff Ices?

 

»Vodka shots — no, but not like that, like shots you inject into your arm with a needle.


»Actual alco-pops: Just pour some bourbon into a popsicle tray, freeze it, and you'll have a perfect summer's treat!


»Pure oxygen, that a circus clown first pumps into a fun balloon for you!


»Cathode ray parties, where you all sit and absorb the light coming from behind a broken old television set!


Try these at your next party, teens! They're crazy fun! (NOTE: Do not do these. They are dangerous.)