A witness tells Star magazine that he saw eternal ninth-grader Ashton Kutcher making out with a “hot young blonde” outside of the bathrooms at the hot spot Madeo in Los Angeles. “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn’t Demi,” says the “witness.”


Of course, this simply cannot be true. Seeing as Demi Moore is 47 years old and looks like this, she must be some kind of sorceress — and Kutcher would know better than to cheat on someone who can transform his gonads into Play-Doh. And even if he did cheat, who cares? Demi Moore looks like this at 47. She wins.