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BDSM is an 'act of compassion,' NYC dominatrix explains (NSFW)

Last week, Goddess Aviva answered 10 questions you’ve always wanted to ask a dominatrix. This week, she goes deeper.
BDSM dominatrix Goddess Aviva Diamond
Aviva Diamond explains how BDSM, when done right, can be fulfilling and not a form of degradation. Photo: Cantera Image

My name is Goddess Aviva, and I am a professional and lifestyle dominatrix. Men (and occasionally women and couples) come to me to experience submitting to and serving a dominant goddess.

These experiences can take a variety of forms depending on the sub’s interests and limits, my particular dynamic with them, and my mood and goals in the moment. There are many reasons why someone would want to submit to a dominatrix: the mental relief of letting go of control and allowing someone else to make all the decisions; the physical and mental high you get from BDSM; the desire to feel useful and serve a strong, beautiful woman; the thrill of experiencing the taboo; the mental stimulation of mind games and power exchange. 

BDSM [B/D: bondage and discipline; D/S: dominance and submission; and S/M: sadism and masochism] has the potential for physical and psychological damage, so it is of utmost importance to always engage in BDSM that is SSC: safe, sane and consensual. It’s necessary to educate yourself and practice before trying a new activity, communicate about boundaries, desires and intentions, and to obtain enthusiastic consent before you engage with someone.

Human sexuality is infinitely more complex than standard social norms reveal, and much of what I do is based in the psychological realm of BDSM. Professionally, I offer femdom and BDSM sessions to clients. Men come to me to be degraded and abused by a woman who is in touch with her own sexuality and power.

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I offer a safe and professional outlet for expressing their inner taboo. Often, I hear that these men can actually focus more on being a good husband and father when they have this outlet. If you repress something for too long, it will cause damage and show up in other parts of your life. Professional BDSM sessions can be a healthy release that allows a person to approach the rest of their life with clarity and calm. 

Femdom sessions are not about a client seeing a naked woman or getting off. Sessions are about playing with power exchange for a mindf—. For most clients, this is really hot, so while there is sexual tension, I do not offer nudity or typical sexual activities — no penetration, no oral, no foot or hand jobs, etc. For these men, activities such as crawling on their hands and knees to kiss my feet are arousing.

Most of my sessions involve humiliation, slave training, foot domination and corporal punishment. This type of work falls under the umbrella of sex work, which also includes exotic dancers, cam girls, escorts and more. However, not all sex workers have sex with their clients, including most dominatrices.

To be clear: I utilize my sexual energy to control and manipulate my submissive — I do not have sex with them. Usually, sessions are sexually charged without typical sexual activities occurring. The brain is the most influential sex organ in the body, so for many people, a good mindf— can be more exciting than a physical f—.

I am also a lifestyle dominatrix, and I have subs and (consensual) slaves [a submissive who serves a dom on an ongoing basis] who serve me outside of professional sessions. Again, this can take many different forms, but it differs from professional sessions in that there are not clearly defined boundaries of time or money. Most of my personal slaves serve me by cleaning my apartment, running errands, buying me gifts or taking me shopping. I teach them correct protocol for how to communicate and interact with me, better serve my needs and make personal improvements. 

So long as you are practicing BDSM that is SSC, dominating someone is not a form of disrespect. The emphasis here is on enthusiastic consent — all activities are consented to before they occur. Disrespect happens when someone’s boundaries are not honored. BDSM requires a lot of trust and respect, and a true dom is nurturing and considerate, even if what they are doing looks like abuse to the outside world. The only time it is actual abuse is if the activities are nonconsensual.

As humans, we all want to be seen, understood and accepted. It is an act of compassion for a dom to see and acknowledge a submissive’s dark and taboo desires and to guide them through those desires in a safe space. When people are disgusted, they simply don’t understand the dynamic that the submissive is actually getting something they crave and being fulfilled on a deep level. Many people distrust and shame what they don’t understand. It’s simply a matter of ignorance and being uncomfortable with the unknown, but I’m not here to convince anyone of anything. I’m here to engage with those who are interested or curious about BDSM and are open-minded enough to explore it. Vulnerability, power dynamics, control — these are all components of a deep and authentic human connection. When you bring love and respect to BDSM, you open the doors for connecting to others in ways you’ve never imagined.

 
 
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