Charlie Sheen is two-and-a-half barrels of hot mess.

On Tuesday morning, our nation’s highest-paid television actor was found naked in his Plaza Hotel room bed with an escort (!) by the police when they were called to calm the star. They found the room trashed, with a broken chandelier and an estimated $7,000 worth of damages.

“She was fearing for her life and was naked,” a source tells Life & Style on what the cops saw in Sheen’s room. “Charlie was incoherent, but started screaming slurs at the cops. They recognized him immediately and gave him two options: They could take him to the hospital or take him down to the station. Charlie chose the hospital.”

Sheen’s publicist is blaming this on, naturally, “an adverse allergic reaction.”

Oh, come on. This is the weakest explanation ever. Hives, sneezing, runny eyes — those are allergic reactions. Swinging from a hotel chandelier naked and drunk to impress your prostitute — those are the reactions to being Charlie Sheen.