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Hate sex: how to have it

You want to have sex with someone, but you hate them — what to do? Wouldn’t it be great if we could control our sexual attraction? We are 100% in command and responsible for our actions, but desire often slithers up, catching us unawares.

Just because you don't have love for somebody doesn't mean they can't share your bed. / Valueline Just because you don't have love for somebody doesn't mean they can't share your bed. / Valueline

You’ve been there. You want to have sex with someone, but it’s surprising because they actually repulse you. Perhaps you’re lusting for your significant other’s most annoying friend or your horrible boss. Or maybe you’re having steamy fantasies about that annoying co-worker with the grating voice. Wouldn’t it be great if we could control our sexual attraction? We are 100 percent in command and responsible for our actions, but desire often slithers up, catching us unaware.

Hate-sex is sexual activity between two or more people who don’t like each other. The arousal involves someone you purportedly find revolting — it is about repression.

“Only five nights ago he had contemplated smashing her skull in with a cobblestone — but that was of no importance. He thought of her naked, youthful body, as he had seen it in his dream.”

That excerpt is from George Orwell’s book “1984,” written in the 1940s. Yep, the joys of hate-sex are timeless! But the rules for hate-sex aren’t exactly obvious. Take a look ...

DO have at it. Sleep with them if you both determine that it’s the right path and doing so causes no harm to yourselves or others. It may be the worst sex of your life. Or the emotionally unbridled humping could release a flood of passion you have never before experienced. You owe it to yourselves to find out!

DON’T confuse sex and rape. If you genuinely hate someone and view sex as a means to harm or punish them without consent, that’s criminal. Really: Acting on that thought is likely illegal.

DO dig deeper into the unresolved conflict. What is it about the object of your desire that makes you hate them? Think about the qualities triggering your loathing and examine the emotions pegged to that hatred. For example, perhaps their vulgarity pisses you off because you secretly wish to live as explicitly as they do. Psychological repression is a slippery little sucker. Uncover what lies beneath it.

DO realize sexual behavior encompasses a wide swath of activity, including masturbation. If acting on your carnal impulses would be socially messy or inappropriate, just fantasize and jam out by yourself.

DO understand hate-sex is not the same as hating sex. The physical, emotional and psychological benefits of getting it on are valid. If you’re not having a good time with it, try something or someone else.

Twanna A. Hines is an award–winning educator and sex columnist. She’s online at FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, and you can follow her on Twitter @funkybrownchick.

 
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