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Give him the best blowjob ever (NSFW)

You think you're a pro? Get ready to blow his mind. Everything you need to know about giving an epic blowjob, including hygiene, techniques, toys and deep throating.

“Who is a blowjob newbie?”

No hands in the packed classroom raised.

“Who thinks they are the sh-t at sucking d-ck?”

All hands shot up.

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“OK, so this is like a blowjob fan club.”

That was our introduction to “Blowjobs and Beyond,” a sexpert workshop hosted by the Pleasure Chest with our guide Brandon B., the manager at the Pleasure Chest’s West Village location.

And no, we didn’t practice on bananas. The class might have been full of BJ aficionados, but by the time Brandon showed us the final move, a collective “Whoa!” filled the room. (We’ll get to that later, but trust me, it’s like the Mortal Kombat kill shot only awesome for penises).

You know how a whale tosses a seal up in the air before swallowing it? “That’s me sucking a d-ck,” Brandon joked.

I love school.

First things first… Get to know the penis.

This is the anatomy class you won’t get in high school because it’s pleasure-based. Here is what you need to know about the penis:

blowjob

- The glans (head) of the penis is the most sensitive part since it’s filled with nerve endings. Foreskin acts the same way a clitoral hood does, so if the person is circumcised, the glans could get thicker and less sensitive. This area is good for licking, sucking and temperature play.

- The frenulum is the “face of the penis,” Brandon explained. It’s the area that connects the glans to the shaft. This is not an area you want to apply pressure to (think bruised inner plumbing). This area responds well to licking and sucking. You can also lightly use your nails as long as you don’t have “scraggly claws,” Brandon said.

- The shaft is responsive to pressure. You can grip this.

- The testicles (aka the balls) are tougher than you think, Brandon said, as long as you don’t vacuum suck one of them into your mouth. (That’s a major ouch.) The hanging sack of skin many aren’t sure what to do with responds to pressure, light licking or sucking (again, easy does it when sucking).

- The perineum, more commonly known as the “taint,” is an internal area of the penis. It is soft when the penis is flaccid, but firms when the penis is erect because it is made of erectile tissue. You can stroke it like the shaft.

- The anus is not a part of the penis, but the sphincter is ripe with nerve endings. Brandon recommends experimentation with prostate play. Not only is it good for your health because it drains fluid from the prostate, but it will “take a blowjob to the next level.” You can stimulate the prostate through the perineum or by inserting the digits on your passive hand into the rectum and either rocking back and forth or gently pulling your finger(s) in and out.

For a (blow)job well-done, you’ll need some tools.

Here are some tips to help your blowie game blow up:

- Hydrate! Don’t just stay hydrated all day; keep a glass of water by the bed.

- Lube it up! “We don’t want a hand that’s a crummy, rocky claw,” Brandon said. He recommends Sliquid, which is vegan and gluten-free, instead of the chemicals in KY or Astroglide. You can use flavored condoms, but Brandon said he likes “the seasoning on a penis” and prefers to taste his partner, not artificial strawberry flavoring. You put things in your mouth that you want to eat, so taking your partner’s natural flavor says “your body is delicious to me.” That doesn’t mean forego barrier protection! Use purified latex condoms or vegan condoms. Oh, and have the “where should I cum” conversation before playtime begins.

- Wash it up! “If you want your d-ck sucked, you gotta wash it,” Brando said to cheers from the class. “Even if your ass isn’t involved, our noses are close.” Also, a little pubic hair grooming is appreciated.

- Get rid of funky spunk! Certain foods can affect the taste and smell of seminal fluid. Brandon recommends avoiding caffeine, alcohol and nicotine and adding healthy treats to your diet, especially an hour or so before sexual activity. Think sweet and tart: fruits like pineapples, cranberries, strawberries. Avoid foods like asparagus, broccoli, spicy food and red meat. Brandon suggested Sweeten 69, a pill made of dehydrated fruit, for just such a purpose.

Your d-ck is clean, your balls are washed, you have “the cleanest assh-le” and you’ve trimmed your pubes. Now what?

- Since a blowjob is more than just mouth, keep your hands moisturized and watch the sides of your nails. Lube and gloves are a great idea to keep the moment as smooth as possible.

- Watch your teeth. Some of us have sharp ones, and capping your lips around your teeth creates a blanket-layer around the gnashers. “It allows you to take him in without biting off a chunk,” Brandon said.

- While you’re at it, avoid sticky lip glosses or all-day wear lipsticks. They don’t glide.

- “Use God’s lubricant,” Brandon said, which means, yup, spit and mucus. If you plan to deep throat but are concerned with your gag reflex, practice on your own first with a toothbrush, our sexpert recommended. Brandon said he was in speech therapy as a kid and doing mouth exercises. “As I grew up, I realized my parents have been training me to suck d-ck my whole life,” he reflected.

- If you’re engaging in some booty play and he loses his erection, don’t just think “Oh no, he hates this, I should just put my mouth back on his d-ck,” Brandon clarified. The body is just redirecting its focus for a moment.

- Break out your BJ toolkit. As you build your toolbox, consider stretchy texturized sleeves, a vibrating cock ring, a handheld vibrator (great for the perineum), a vibrator like the We-Vibe Sync which allows for climax if held at the sensitive coronal ridge.

- Edging can be fun. A blowjob isn’t just suck-suck-suck and done. It can be a delightful experience for all involved and bringing someone to the edge of climax and holding back can heighten the final experience.

 
 
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