“Am I too picky?” a client recently asked. Maybe it’s something you’ve wondered while searching and swiping too.
I hear this question most from those who’ve dated a lot. Naturally, your feelings of who would be a good match for you may be fuzzy after a dozen first dates.
While you can re-evaluate what you’re looking for in a partner any time of year, New Year’s is a natural time for reflection — particularly if attracting a long-term relationship is one of your resolutions.
Here’s how to give your love life a reboot:
First, throw away your list.
Our ideas of what we want and don’t want in a partner are naturally based on past experience. But often, people have one experience and then restrict themselves. For example: You go on a date with a man who has kids and it doesn't work out, so dating someone with children becomes a deal breaker.
A deal breaker is something you can’t live with in a relationship. Everyone has them. But often our “list” involves things thataren’tmust haves. We allows these traits to determine who wewon’tdate — before we’ve even shared a cocktail with the person.
In the New Year, throw away your massive list of must haves and date with only true deal breakers in mind.
Then, get curious about yourself.
What would happen if you focused more on finding a match for yourself than worrying about what he or she will be like before you meet them?
You don’t know who your next relationship willbe with, so you can’t clearly identify that person. But what can be defined is who you are.
Fill in the sentence “I am…” and “I am not...” Getting clear with yourself allows you to shift your focus from an arbitrary list of what has and hasn’t worked in past relationships, to what will and won’t work for you presently.
Laurie Davis Edwards is the founder ofeFlirt, an online dating concierge service, and the best-selling author of "Love @ First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating."