Russell Brand was likely expecting some heckling at his stand-up show Saturday night. It was, after all, Cinco de Mayo in Atlantic City, where tequila is always the breakfast beverage of choice. But when one audience member wouldn’t stop shouting “Katy Perry,” the comedian left the stage to defend his ex-wife’s honor — or, more accurately, summon the powers of his British accent to methodically, expertly shame a drunk Jersey guy.

“Let’s see how your mental illness looks in the daylight,” Brand said, requesting that the house lights be turned on. After asking the audience to out the heckler, Brand wasn’t pleased with what he discovered: “You look like something that’s fallen off the side of a church. And what is it that you have rattling around in your mind? Some bizarre combination of alcohol and idiocy. Some cocktail of nothing.”

Excuse us — “cocktail of nothing”? That, Russell, would be a Red Bull and Vodka, the patron drink of obnoxious Americans everywhere. Show a little respect.

Debra Messing: Till death is a long time

Debra Messing‘s marriage to Daniel Zelman lasted 20 years, and she thinks that should get at least partial credit in 2012. “I think the institution of marriage is a noble thing. I think the idea of a partner for life is incredibly romantic,” the actress tells Ladies Home Journal. “But now we’re living to 100. A hundred years ago people were dying at age 37. Till death do us part was a much different deal.”

We see your typhoid fever, 1912 newlyweds, and we raise you one drunk night on Facebook.

Jack Osbourne talks fatherhood

New dad Jack Osbourne had some sweet words on fatherhood for Hello! magazine. “The moment I saw her I felt more love than I’d ever felt for anything. It was the weirdest, most overwhelming thing,” said Osbourne of two-week-old Pearl, his daughter with fiancee Lisa Stelly.

Cute stuff. But we can’t help but focus on grandmom Sharon Osbourne, who managed to land herself in the center of the cover and get to hold the baby. Good luck with that one, Lisa.