When Metro witnessed Washington Capitals forward Karl Alzner gesture at Bruins star Milan Lucic to insinuate he is a crybaby, we were thoroughly confused.

 

Even Lucic's teammates were confused.

 

At only 23 years old, Lucic already has a Stanley Cup ring -- something Alzner does not have.

 

What would Lucic have to cry about?

 

So while Alzner, who had one fighting penalty in 2011-12, is probably busy preparing for tonight's Game 4 by reading a how-to guide on self-defense, Metro took the liberty of compiling a list to help him understand that he, the Capitals and Washington, D.C., have a lot more to cry about than Lucic, the Bruins and Boston.

 

First, Bostonians pride ourselves on our driving ability -- albeit aggressive. The Capitals star player Alexander Ovechkin may need some parking tips. As previously documented on The Washington Post's D.C. Sports Bog, Ovechkin unnecessarily takes up multiple parking spaces with his Mercedes Benz. What did he do with his money for driving lessons? We know he didn't spend it on music lessons (see his cameo in Russian rapper Sasha Belyi's "Champion" video).

Also, Massachusetts has 12 voting members in the House of Representatives and the Senate. Washington, D.C., has zero. The roughly 600,000 residents of the district do have a delegate in Congress, but that person cannot vote on laws. That's sort of like winning the Southeast Division four years in a row and never making it past the semifinals. What's the point?

Finally, Boston is a proud hockey town with an Original Six team and six Stanley Cup victories. But despite the Cup banners, the Bruins have at least been to a Stanley Cup finals and won a game. The Capitals, in their 37-year existence, have been to one Stanley Cup championship and they were swept.

Don't cry for Lucic or Boston, Alzner. Cry for yourself.

By the minutes




Karl Alzner picked on the wrong Bruin. Alzner has just a fraction of the penalty minutes seasoned fighter Milan Lucic has accumulated



Alzner collected 29 penalty minutes in the 2011-12 season.



He had two roughing penalties in separate games in February and March. One was against the Bruins.



Alzner's one 5-minute fighting major penalty this past season came in January.



We lost count of all of Lucic's roughing and fighting penalty minutes, but during the 2011-12 season he racked up 135 total minutes.