The British are here! The British are here! The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge — who will always be Prince William and Kate Middleton to me, sorry — are, like countless tourists this month, in New York to see the sights. And while it's too late to avoid them hitting up the Empire State Building – baby, it's cold up there — we would still like to save them some time and some grief with advice on what tourist traps they should avoid.

Cabaret on Broadway
Or whichever bar Shia LaBeouf was drinking at before going to see Cabaret. That does not end well.

Guy Fieri's restaurant
While the horrendous menu atGuy's American Kitchen & Barmight be the most American thing in the world, we really think the Royals would be doing themselves a favor by passing up a chance to sample theGuy-talianNachosor the "Awesome" Pretzel Chicken Tenders.

Those damn Cronuts
​ Speaking of food, the signature pastries atDominiqueAnsel'sbakery? Not worth wait. Plus, they're pretty French, so our British guests would probably want to avoid them anyway.


The Hot Bird
Or any other Brooklyn bar currently enforcing aban on babies. While Prince George is sitting this trip out, it would look like a betrayal to fellow parents everywhere if Kate were to cross the stroller-choked picket line.

Taylor Swift's Tribeca loft
William and Kate probably already have a good idea of what a mob of paparazzi looks like, and they shouldn't buy into that whole "NYC Welcome Ambassador" nonsense. Swift ishardly the best personfor the job, after all.

Follow Ned Ehrbar on Twitter:@nedrick

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