Yes, Valentine’s Day is a capitalist money trap. But it’s also an opportunity to do something special with your someone special, who let’s be honest you don’t always appreciate as much as you should. And since Tuesday is not exactly the most romantic night for Valentine’s Day, there’s plenty of love-themed festivities happening all weekend, too.
Get naughty: LUST is an evening of “extended foreplay” that will transform Lot 45 into a garden of earthly delights. Dinner is served on naked bodies, followed by a night of sexually provocative performances — have you ever seen a human candelabra? — and erotic art installations, play areas, live music and “kidnappings” for unique one-on-one experiences. Fri., Feb. 10, 7 p.m.-3 a.m., 411 Troutman St., Bushwick
Decode the naughty clues: You’ll need both of your (likely lapsed) stores of art and history knowledge to crack Watson Adventures’ Naked at the Met scavenger hunt. As part of a team of up to six, you’ll have to solve tricky questions that will lead you to barely clad statues, nude paintings, anatomically correct armor and more at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 18+, Sat., Feb. 11, 5-7:30 p.m., $44.50, 1000 Fifth Ave.
Sex tips from musicians: The Venn Diagram of heavy metal fans who are also into the Bee Gees probably looks more like two circles, but if you’re in it, Tragedy: All Metal Tribute to the Bee Gees & Beyond is your everything. Clash tribute band Straight To Hell wrote a (medically vetted) musical guide called “The Joy of Sex" that reimagines songs by Madonna, Prince, Rod Stewart and other pop icons in their heavy metal style, each paired with an illustration of something fun to try after the show. 21+, Sat., Feb. 11, 8:30 p.m., $12-$15, Rough Trade, 64 N. Ninth St., Brooklyn
Live the fairy tale: For those who’ll always believe in happy endings, Highline Ballroom wants you to be their guest at theDisney Valentine’s Ball. Pop-rock cover band The Little Mermen will lead a night of dancing, singing and all the hits of your childhood, when no obstacle was too big for love. Sat., Feb. 11, 8 p.m., $22-$45, 431 W. 16th St.
Dance all night: Long Island City’s Paper Factory Hotel with its labyrinth of rooms is quickly becoming the hot new space for immersive events. Valentine’s weekend bringsHeart-Shaped Box, starting with a grand feast and drinks, then moves into an all-night dance party; between numbers, sit down with a tarot reader or take in mystical performances away from the main floor.Feb. 11, 8 p.m.-4 a.m., $40-$125, 37-06 36th St., Queens
Star in your own musical: Evan Kaufman and Rebecca Vigil have been hailed as “reliably brilliant” by the New York Times for their improv showYour Love, Our Musical!Watch as the comedy power couple picks one lucky(?) pair from their audience and creates an all-singing tribute to their relationship. 21+, Sun., Feb. 12, 8 p.m., $15, The Bell House, 149 Seventh St., Brooklyn
Lose your inhibitions: At House of Yes, Valentine’s Day is an invitation to seduce each other all over again while exploring boundaries atThe Story of Red. Bushwick’s premiere artistic event space will have sensual bites (of food), private “heart-opening” sessions, tantric massage, play spaces, a live band and so much more, if you dare to discover it. If it all gets a little overwhelming, the rooftop hot tub is open. “Red tie” or costume mandatory. 21+, Feb. 14, 7 p.m.-4 a.m., $40-$300, 2 Wyckoff Ave., Brooklyn
Laugh together:Eighteen years later, “There’s Something About Mary” retains its dubious charm. Relive the classic rom-com with theater groupScriptfaced, who’ll perform a staged reading with a drinking game that involves both actors and audience. Arrive early to grab seats.Feb. 14, doors at 7:30 p.m., 21+, $10-$12, Union Hall, 702 Union St., Brooklyn
Get sexy:Forget aphrodisiac foods — embrace your carnal instincts atDirty, a massive art and performance show where a one-hour Lagunitas open bar will get you in the mood to browse a gallery of sexy art, pick up some tips from erotic dancers and shop for sex toys and lingerie to take your lovin’ to the next level.Feb. 14, 7 p.m.-2 a.m., $10-$25 (table and champagne for two), Tender Trap, 66 Greenpoint Ave.
How not to have an affair:Alexander Hamilton may have invented the American sex scandal, but Henry Ward Beecher perfected it. Pull up a bar stool at The Bedford to learn about the biggest adultery trial of the 19th century, as well as lessons on sexy philosophy and more with the educational partiers at theSociety for the Advancement of Social Studies.Feb. 14, 7:30 p.m., The Bedford, 110 Bedford Ave., Brooklyn
Take part in a carnival: The immersive, decadent and high-energy night of artistry you already know as Supercinema is nowThe McKittrick Masquerade. On Valentine’s night, enter into a carnival-themed party spanning several rooms, with an open bar, live entertainment, dancing and surprises. Nothing less than your most decadent black, white or red ensemble will do. Feb. 11, 10:15 p.m., $95+, 530 W. 27th St.
Get steamy: Why get dressed up in clothes neither of you is comfortable in anyway? AtValentine's Night at the Russian Baths, you and other relaxed partiers will have the Brooklyn Banya all to yourselves for a night of pierogies, vodka, steam rooms of the Turkish, Swedish and Russian kind (won’t it be fun to discover the differences?), plus poolside dancing with music by the Hungry Marsh Band and DJ Joro Boro. 21+, Tues., Feb 14, 7 p.m.-2 a.m., $40-110, 602 Coney Island Ave., Kensington
For the art lovers:After the tour groups have gone home, you’ll have the MoMA all to yourselves for specialValentines Tours. A wine reception with passed hors d’oeuvres begins the evening, followed by a highlights tour of “From the Collection: 1960–1969,” the art of the free love era, plus classics from Matisse and Van Gogh (just don’t ask about his love life).$225 per couple, Feb. 14, 7 & 9 p.m., 11 W. 53rd St.