We’ve all been there: Out on the town, feeling good after a cocktail or five, you don’t want to go home but you can’t stay where you are, and no one has made you any offers you can’t refuse yet. So you fish out your phone to daringly (read: desperately) see if one of your acquaintances might take sexual pity on you. It’s a recipe for disaster. But if you insist on doing it again (and you know you will), follow these rules to ease everyone’s pain:
1. Text, don’t call.
Text messages were practically invented for booty calls! Slurring goes unnoticed, grammar is irrelevant, and if they’re not around, you won’t embarrass yourself with a rambling voicemail message.
2. When in doubt, be clever rather than crass.
A little cheeky banter, some playful innuendo, a compliment or two to fluff up the ego (among other body parts) will usually work way better than a cheap crotch shot. Well, they’ll work better on ladies, anyway. The XXX pic might work on some guys but you’ll feel better about yourself in the morning if you don’t go there.
3. Be buzzed, not blotto.
If you’re too drunk to correctly spell the name of your potential partner, to find your own cellphone, or to perform sexually, then you’re too drunk for a decent booty call.
4. Choose a designated dialer.
If you’re in the habit of drunk-dialing the wrong kind of booty call (that ex you can’t get over, your boss, etc.) then hand a good friend your phone at the beginning of the night and give them permission to cut you off — tequila- or text-wise — at any time.
5. Try take-out booty.
Staying home and making a sober booty call from your own bed and convincing someone to leave a bar to come service you is a highly underrated act.
6. Don’t engage in booty drive-bys.
Stopping by their place at 2 a.m. because you don’t have their number or your phone is dead is generally a terrible idea. We’ll bet you a hundred bucks they’re either fast asleep or entertaining someone else.
7. Be thoughtful with your calls.
Before you make a booty call, think about what’s going on with your intended: Do they have a big project they’re preparing for? Do they have to get up early? Are they already asleep? Are they stone cold sober? Do they have family visiting? Did their pet just die? If the answer is yes, you might want to think twice about hitting “send.”
8. Engage in booty, not brunch.
When daylight hits, you can test the waters for morning sex (not likely) but don’t push your luck by requesting breakfast (especially not in bed).
