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A category Michael Bay winter storm

Thanks to Man’s Hubris and God’s Great Plan, this country is being walloped by extreme weather.

Thanks to Man’s Hubris and God’s Great Plan, this country is being walloped by extreme weather, raising the spectre of car accidents, property damage, and a slew of Canadian disaster movies with names like Snow! and The Day Saskatchewan Stood Still.


The recent bad weather – affecting everyone from coast to coast except Margaret Wente and Rex Murphy – reminds us that Canada will be hit by more calamities as the Earth’s weather patterns change.


Deluges. Dumpings. Death from the skies. It won’t be long before Environment Canada’s special weather statements just say, “Pray.”


Meteorologists concerned about climate change spend months analyzing information from dozens of satellites, hundreds of monitoring stations, and thousands of hands sticking out windows. Then they give up, call a press conference, and blame everything on El Nino.


That might sound imprecise, but it’s a big improvement on the early 1900s, when weather prognosticators relied largely on the reactions of barnyard animals. For instance, a meteorologist would take a live chicken, throw it into the air, and make his wind readings based on the chicken’s speed, direction, impact crater, and giblet radius.


We at Metro care deeply about you, the reader, because you, the reader, could one day become you, the advertiser, which is why I’ve prepared a special chart that explains the different levels of storm and how quickly they will kill you. You’re welcome.


Category 1
Trees sway; reporters’ raincoats flutter; kids go sliding. (Media designation: Snowmageddon.)


Category 2
Telephone wires whistle; reporters standing in the snow yell, “There’s a lot of snow!”; televisions tragically lose reception late in the third period. (Media designation: Apocalypse (S)now)


Category 3
Telephone poles whistle; storm jokes appear in late-night monologues; reporters comically flap in the breeze à la Kermit the Frog in a Big Bad Wolf sketch. (Media designation: Possible El Nino Link To Storm)


Category 4
Television news executives whistle; people pray to Jesus; storm cleanses gene pool of particularly stupid surfers. (Media designation: Possible al-Qaida Link To Storm)


Category 5
People pray to all available gods; crazy people yell, “You call this a storm?” then blow away; script rights for movie sold to Michael Bay. (Media designation: Award Nomination Storm).


Fortunately, winter eventually comes to an end. Then all you’ll have to worry about is droughts, skin cancer, and hurricanes. Metro reminds you to have a live chicken ready, just in case.

 
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