Have you ever had a moment of realization so striking it was like you were punched in the face? I had one of those moments recently, when I was punched in the face.
I realized the next day, as I nursed a fat lip, that I am definitely a liberal. (The fact that getting sucker-punched at a bar led me to thoughts on personal politics also proves that I’m a dork, but that’s a different column.)
But let’s discuss the incident, my first opportunity ever to tell a story that begins, “So, a guy walks into bar ...”
That guy was me. I went into one of those bars that calls itself Irish because it sells cans of Guinness, and an attractive woman asked me to buy her a drink, even giving me some coins to help. I trust you can see where this is going.
There have been times in my love life that I have deserved not just a punch, but to be grabbed by the big toe and slammed into the ground repeatedly, like Bam-Bam Rubble* used to do. This was not one of those times.
Yet, when the boyfriend showed up he: 1. sucker-punched me, 2. after I had shaken his hand, and 3. took another swing at me while I was down before 4. leaving the bar, giving him a coveted Grand Slam in the World Series of Douchebaggery. Kudos to him.
Then I screamed that I have a blood disorder and could die from a blow to the head.
You know how in the movies if a person sees a missile coming toward them they steel themselves and face their mortality with silent determination? If it was me, it would sound like this: “OH MY GOD THIS IS IT I NEVER ATE THAT PIE IN THE FRIDGE OOH NICE CRAFTSMANSHIP ON THE WARHEAD AAH LAST WORD!!!”
And here’s where I earn my liberal credentials: I’ve heard it said that a liberal is a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet. Well, this was essentially a mugging, he made me wonder if I might die, and I’m still not angry at the guy. Instead, I’m hopeful that he was in a bad place and regrets what he did.
Unfortunately for him, I’m also liberal in relying on the government, so I’ll see him in court. Just call it my wicked left.
* Thanks commenters.