Over the next few columns I plan to solve all of America’s problems, one by one. I ask for nothing in return except for “Mad Men” bombshell Christina Hendricks.
Once seen as a hope-fueled dynamo, Barack Obama has wasted the last year playing basketball, accepting awards and eating candy for breakfast — because when you’re president, you make your own rules. Well somebody has to take responsibility for this place, and if he won’t then I suppose it might as well be me, because I have some extra time this month.
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Let’s start with the economy. Its complicated collapse was the result of systemic flaws and risky corporate investment. Basically, money stopped working. Probably because it was haunted. The upshot is everyone’s out of work and living under bridges with nothing to eat but the occasional passing billygoat. The country can only operate this way for so long before encountering a billygoat who’s big enough to knock us into the river.
Luckily, I’ve got the answer. First, we classify “jobs” as an endangered species deserving government protection and breeding assistance. Once jobs start reproducing in captivity, it’s only a matter of time before they return to the wild. Second, banking was at the root of all this, so let’s eliminate it. America was built on a strong foundation of hillbillies hiding their money in mattresses, and by gum we can do it again!
Most importantly, though, let’s agree never to do this again. Sure, the current plan of doing the exact thing as before and hoping it turns out differently has the added benefit of letting those responsible go unpunished. But it has the small flaw of being terribly bad. If, instead, we never do the things we did that caused this, we’ll at least have an excuse when things collapse again. Problem solved!
– Elliott Kalan is an Emmy-winning writer for “The Daily Show.”
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