It’s that time of the week again, when we bring you the Metro List, the world’s most authoritative review of hot topics around the water cooler:
1. REM disbands after 31 years as the rock critics’ darlings. What else is there to do after losing your religion? Everybody hurts.
2. Meanwhile Neil Young says he’s writing his memoir. Memoir? It was only yesterday that he burst on the scene with Everybody Knows This is Nowhere. Yesterday, as in May 14, 1969, to be precise. OMG, am I ever old.
3. Georgia executes convicted murderer Troy Davis despite intervention from the Pope, Jimmy Carter and P. Diddy. Wonder why they didn’t listen?
4. Two and A Half Men starts the fall season with record ratings. Twenty-eight-point-seven-four million people have nothing better to do with their lives. Nothing is, er, lost as Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen appear to be interchangeable morons.
5. Palestine goes to the United Nations and asks for statehood. Can’t hurt to ask.
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6. In other asking news, the U.S. military finally abolishes Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and all the gay generals stay in the closet.
7. Chaz Bono dances his way into respect on Dancing with the Stars. Don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing. Not bad for a kid who started out as Chastity, the daughter of Sonny and Cher. You’ve come a long way, baby.
8. Loonie goes below par for the first time since January and drowns. Investors everywhere can relate as we all take a bath. Stocks hit a 13-month low bringing the year-to-date loss to 16.3 per cent. Even gold loses four per cent of its glitter. If this keeps up, I’m going to invest “all my money” in dog food stocks, as that’s all retiring boomers will be able to afford to eat.
9. BieberWatch: It’s a bad week for the future of the human race as Justin announces ‘I want to be a young dad, by 25 or 26 I want to see myself, like, married or start looking for a family.’ Maybe he can find one in a village in Africa. You know the same place where Madonna and Angelina get theirs. He also has his own perfume fragrance — eau de pablum. Just kidding! It’s called Someday, as in someday I’ll reach puberty.