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Fighting the good fight with your significant other

<p>Because your partner is so often wrong, conflicts are a normal part of any relationship.</p>

Because your partner is so often wrong, conflicts are a normal part of any relationship.


If you never argue, your relationship may have fundamental problems — such as an imaginary partner constructed from the shattered pieces of your psyche. Or a dead partner who, to you, just looks a little blue.


Nobody wants to argue. But it’s inevitable. Observe two typical arguments that come up between every couple.


Problem No. 1: She is upset because he left the toilet seat up, causing her to extend her arms for a moment to put the lid down. He counters that she leaves the lid down all the time, reducing his target area, then complaining when his aim falters.


Problem No. 2: He is upset because he wants to see the action flick Terminal Explosion 2 while she wants to see Love In The Time Of Whooping Cough. They compromise by seeing Last Airbender 2: The Second-Last Airbender and both go home miserable.


As you can see, the only possible solution is a good argument. That’s why I have prepared the following guide for fighting the good fight. You’re welcome.


Know your place: Sometimes it’s best to hold your fire, even when you’re right. For instance, never say “That is the ugliest wedding dress I’ve ever seen” unless you are well in front of the congregation.


Take timeouts: This allows your partner to think about just how wrong they are. Then, when they have relaxed, you pounce.


Use laughter: Make light of your partner’s clothing, hair, or speech impediment to diffuse the tension, then watch the love grow.


Avoid broad statements: Never use broad, sweeping statements like, “I hope you burn in Hell!” Instead, try more specific, realistic statements like, “It is my great wish that you will spend the rest of your life in a Saudi prison.” From here, the healing can begin.


Yell: Screaming at the top of your lungs is a way of letting your neighbours know you are so confident in this particular argument that you are willing to share its finer points with the entire neighbourhood, so they might scrutinize them.


Practise: You will never get good at bickering unless you do it every day.


Be prepared: If it’s the male causing the problems — and it is — then couples may want to reduce the chance of injuries by purchasing a Nerf-brand Throwing Shoe.


And that’s my advice. The only other tip I might give is never go to sleep angry. Every satisfactory argument should have a proper ending, much like a proper newspaper column.


So there.

 
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