I once felt helpless about my enormous debt payments, but I’ve analyzed the situation and realize now what the root of the problem is: You. J’accuse, gentle reader.

Wipe that innocent look off your face. Just four years ago I was only $4,000 in debt. I was panicked about it at the time, but now that sounds like a nice game show prize — something Pat Sajak might reveal after the final puzzle. “You’ve won $4,000 in debt!” he’d say, and I’d hug Vanna.

Now I’m $50,000 in debt. And it’s all your fault.


Because let’s face it: You made it OK. The average Canadian owes more than they earn in a year, which is three-syllable c-raaa-zy, but everybody acts like it’s business as usual. If I’m chatting with you and mention that I’m $50,000 in debt your typical response is to make a high-pitched “hmph” noise — the kind of noise that says, “Not good, but not bad.”

Canadians’ finances are crashing like the Hindenburg, but instead of “Oh, the humanity!” the reporter says, “Could be worse! Back to you, Tom.”

Thanks for nothing, reader. Thanks for $50,000 less than nothing.

We live in a society where it’s seen as some sort of victory to get back to breaking even, as if keeping your nostrils barely above the waterline proves you’re a seasoned swimmer. Heck, a friend of mine once bought a $1,500 suit to celebrate getting out of debt, which is sort of like lighting a cigar to celebrate a successful lung transplant.

Nobody actually owns anything; it’s all credit. We should change the verb to, “I owe a house, and I owe a car.”

We’ve been conditioned by each other to believe that debt is fine. See how I’m blameless? With the Can-Con company I keep, can I really be held accountable for my lack of financial savvy? I’m a victim of mob mentality.

No doubt you feel bad about your role in all this. You made me, which must have a Dr. Frankenstein feel about it.

So if you’d like to alleviate the guilt, I will be accepting pledges and donations. I’ll even take your gold, no questions asked. You’re welcome.

I’m a man of honour, so if you lend me some money to just get me through this rough patch, I solemnly swear: I’ll be forever in your debt.

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