Redheads are special.
I know. I’ve been married to one for 33 years come Oct. 6. They’re fiery, fierce, funny and fantastic. The air crackles as they walk down the street. Some even come with an added bonus: freckles. I defy anyone to resist the charms of a fat-faced, green-eyed, red-headed moppet adorned with freckles.
It can’t be done.
So what’s with the world’s largest sperm bank, the Danish firm of Cryos International, turning red-headed donors away? Apparently the demand for green-eyed red-headed moppets adorned with freckles has dropped off, except in Ireland, where red-headed sperm sells like hotcakes according to the director, some guy named Ole (not to be confused with Olé, which ain’t Danish).
The Irish breed as many redheads as four-leaf clovers, but there are also up to 18 million redheads in the U.S.A., and Scotland is the epicentre, where 13 per cent of the population sports a carrot top. But as the petri dish becomes the next cradle of humanity and people can choose their hue, redheads are in danger of being engulfed in a colour-biased wave of brown, black and blond.
The problem is obvious. Red-headed babies have an immediate high profile. It’s impossible for them to blend in, to become part of the faceless crowd, as they shine like a copper star wherever they go. Most parents are inherently conservative. They don’t want to raise kids who stand out just by standing there.
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Why else would you name your kid Madison? Because all the others kids are called Madison.
You can’t call a redhead Madison. That’s a brunette name. A redhead is called Fergie, or maybe Gus. And definitely Colleen.
Take it from me. As you can tell from the photo that accompanies this column, I should be considered completely neutral on matters of hair. I’d be happy to have some, period. I dimly remember having brown hair, which clogged the drain for a few years before making an early exit. I think I’m what they call Black Irish, which is ridiculous as 99 per cent of me is pink, especially with prolonged exposure to the sun. Most redheads aren’t so good in the sunlight either, as they don’t need the competition.
We simply can’t allow redheads to be eclipsed by reproductive science (talk about an oxymoron). We should all join the Red Headed League: Redheads of the world unite! It’s time to stick up for the right to stick out.