For starters, you need to change your thinking, big time. Self-talk such as “I’m a loser” is akin to singer Justin Bieber thinking “I’m a terrible singer” just before going on stage. Go into a setting that you find nonthreatening such as the grocery store or bookstore and practice the exercises below — perhaps at first approaching women that you aren’t necessarily attracted to.
Here’s how to go about meeting a woman with ease and comfort:
Don’t think, just do
Thinking time is when your imagination runs wild and your self-defeating thoughts take over. “I’m a loser” and “I’ll be single all my life” are entirely inconsistent with actually meeting someone.
Act, and act soon
Hesitating sends a message that you’re unsure and anxious. Take charge and initiate conversation with confidence and ease. Remember, somewhere deep in our DNA men are programmed to be hunters and to take care of females, and women, perhaps unconsciously, respond favorably. The dynamic still exists today, to some extent.
This sends a message of warmth, calm, openness, and reassurance.
Head up, stand straight, and make eye contact
Nothing spells unappealing more than a slouched guy who can’t look someone in the eye.
Zip your lips and listen
No one likes a guy who’s full of himself. Be a good listener, take an interest in her, and remember details. So, if she says she moved from another state, ask which one, what brought her to town, etc.
Forget the cheesy lines
Being smooth with the ladies has more to do with how you feel about yourself than with canned lines or something you learned from a date coach. Instead, be real, be funny, and connect on something in common that you might see. So, next time you’re at Trader Joe’s buying cheese, ask her opinion.
– Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. E-mail him your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org
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