Probably the least awesome aspect of outdoor-concert-going, here’s how to make the best of your porta potty experiences.

Go before you secure your spot for the show, just like you’d go before
leaving the house on a roadtrip. This is when the porta pottys will be
the cleanest and will tide you over for a few hours.


2. Bring
a supply of toilet paper or tissue and some hand sanitizer. This is
probably the most important thing to remember besides your ticket.
Unless you’re unreasonably nice, do not let strangers know you have
supplies. Once spotted, they will swarm you and snatch every last ply
from your germ-free hands. If anyone who isn’t a close friend asks,
just say you don’t have a square to spare.


3. Practice
holding your breath. Like anything, the more you practice the more
skilled you’ll be. Time yourself one or two times a day for three
weeks before the concert. Remember to take your last gulp of air
before entering the porta potty.


4. Be fast. Just because
you finally made it to the front of the line doesn’t mean you should
hang out in the box reading a magazine or knitting a blanket. Unzip
and zip with speed and use force as necessary. Your time inside should
be treated like part of a relay race, not the victory party.


Learn how to hover. You need to hover well because others may have
previously failed in their hovering attempts, dampening the seat. Try
to get as close to the seat as possible without making contact.
Leaning your body forward helps with balance. Try strengthening your
leg muscles by doing squats in the weeks before the concert. If you
are not confident in your hovering abilities bring extra toilet paper
to use to cover the seat.

6. Pick the right porta pottys.
Toilets further from the beer garden or main stage are more likely to
be clean, have toilet paper and have shorter lines.

7. Pick
the right line. This is never a sure thing and involves some
gambling. A line with mainly men will usually be quicker than a line
with all women. Try to pick a mainly sober line, as drunk people take
longer and their aim may be off. If you see a line that has a group of
friends waiting together try for that line. No one wants to make a
friend suffer, so each member of the group with go quickly to minimize
their comrades’ wait times.

8. Avoid drinking too much beer,
coffee, etc. Clearly you’ll be drinking water throughout the day, but
try taking small sips to keep hydrated instead of chugging a whole
bottle at once. Beer makes you have to go more often and urgently and
too much makes you puke. And no one wants to puke in a porta potty.

If you have a friend, have them hold your bag. The porta potty floor
is the last place you want to toss your new Weakerthans T-shirt.

Wear a diaper. Let’s face it, if you’re in the front row and Oasis is taking the stage in 25 minutes you’d be crazy to give
up your spot for a 30-second stint at something you do five times every
day. This should be an emergency backup but hardcore concert-goers
will have no shame in making this investment.