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How to make the best of the porta potty

Probably the least awesome aspect of outdoor-concert-going, here’s how to make the best of your porta potty experiences.


Probably the least awesome aspect of outdoor-concert-going, here’s how to make the best of your porta potty experiences.

1. Go before you secure your spot for the show, just like you’d go before leaving the house on a roadtrip. This is when the porta pottys will be the cleanest and will tide you over for a few hours.

2. Bring a supply of toilet paper or tissue and some hand sanitizer. This is probably the most important thing to remember besides your ticket. Unless you’re unreasonably nice, do not let strangers know you have supplies. Once spotted, they will swarm you and snatch every last ply from your germ-free hands. If anyone who isn’t a close friend asks, just say you don’t have a square to spare.

3. Practice holding your breath. Like anything, the more you practice the more skilled you’ll be. Time yourself one or two times a day for three weeks before the concert. Remember to take your last gulp of air before entering the porta potty.

4. Be fast. Just because you finally made it to the front of the line doesn’t mean you should hang out in the box reading a magazine or knitting a blanket. Unzip and zip with speed and use force as necessary. Your time inside should be treated like part of a relay race, not the victory party.

5. Learn how to hover. You need to hover well because others may have previously failed in their hovering attempts, dampening the seat. Try to get as close to the seat as possible without making contact. Leaning your body forward helps with balance. Try strengthening your leg muscles by doing squats in the weeks before the concert. If you are not confident in your hovering abilities bring extra toilet paper to use to cover the seat.

6. Pick the right porta pottys. Toilets further from the beer garden or main stage are more likely to be clean, have toilet paper and have shorter lines.

7. Pick the right line. This is never a sure thing and involves some gambling. A line with mainly men will usually be quicker than a line with all women. Try to pick a mainly sober line, as drunk people take longer and their aim may be off. If you see a line that has a group of friends waiting together try for that line. No one wants to make a friend suffer, so each member of the group with go quickly to minimize their comrades’ wait times.

8. Avoid drinking too much beer, coffee, etc. Clearly you’ll be drinking water throughout the day, but try taking small sips to keep hydrated instead of chugging a whole bottle at once. Beer makes you have to go more often and urgently and too much makes you puke. And no one wants to puke in a porta potty.

9. If you have a friend, have them hold your bag. The porta potty floor is the last place you want to toss your new Matt Good T-shirt.

10. Wear a diaper. Let’s face it, if you’re in the front row and The Tragically Hip is taking the stage in 25 minutes you’d be crazy to give up your spot for a 30-second stint at something you do five times every day. This should be an emergency backup but hardcore concert-goers will have no shame in making this investment.

 
 
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