Being short shouldn’t mean you have to stare at someone’s back throughout the show, and being tall shouldn’t oblige you to hunch over or stand in the 367th row. Instead of feeling bitter or guilty, try these tips to help you cope with your vertical attributes.


If you’re too short . . .


1. The Spice Girls have made a comeback and so can their shoes. Stores like Le Chateau sell very comfortable platform runners that can give you an extra inch. Or you could get a pair of Goth-style or drag queen boots that provide up to six inches of height, but probably would not be appropriate for hopping to a beat in a field.


2. Get to the concert early. Just because you’re short doesn’t mean everyone should move out of your way at the last second because you wanted to sleep in and get a hot dog before the show. Be there before the gates open, secure a spot close to the stage and stay there.


3. Go to the sides of the crowd instead of to the middle. Most fans rush for centre stage where lead singers stand, creating more depth. If you head for a spot near where the secondary band members stand you’ll find the crowd is shallower and you’ll have fewer heads to look over.

4. Tall people often have a guilt complex at concerts and are in most cases willing to help you see better. Approach a kindly looking group of tall people and nicely if you can stand in front of them because you are short and can’t see. Because you’re not affecting their view they’ll usually say yes. Try to be discreet because if some other shorty observes, they’ll ask, too and before you know it the friendly tall group will be shoved to the back of the field by a large but short army.

5. Remember to stay loyal to your fellow short ones. Sitting on someone’s shoulders can be regarded as the act of a short-person traitor. Get a periscope instead.

If you’re too tall . . .

1. If you’re in a group of tall friends, try to stagger yourselves so you’re in a line or have gaps between you. Try to avoid creating a wall of tallness.

2. Wear flat shoes and try to be as un-bulky as possible (if you have flowing dreadlocks tie them back).

3. Offer to take a couple pictures for the shorter people around you. This will please those who are bitter against you because of your height, and will help them realize you’re standing close to the stage because you want to see the show, not because you’re a selfish bastard.

4. Take a short friend with you. If anyone tells you off for standing so close to the stage tell them you have to because otherwise your friend won’t be able to see.

5. If a short person is nice, let them in front of you. But keep it at one! Do not let your guilt overcome your right to see the show. If other people ask to go ahead of you explain you already let others stand there and you really want to see the concert. Why should you get short-changed just because you’re tall?