If I were king for a day, I would abolish the monarchy.


I’ve used that joke for years and I still don’t understand why we pay so much attention to a group of inbred photo posers who have all the power of a 20-watt lightbulb.


The latest news to have monarchists in a tizzy is, of course, the engagement of Prince “two sniper shots from the crown” William, and Kate Middleton. All I really know about them is that she’s pretty, while he’s the one that started out handsome and got British-looking, as opposed to his brother, who started out British-looking and got handsome.


I know monarchists like to rant about the institution’s historic importance, but here’s a quote from their post-engagement interview, which got more media coverage than the moon landing: “When I was trying to impress Kate, I was trying to cook these amazing fancy dinners and what would happen was I would burn something ... so I was quite glad she was there at the time.”


That knocking sound you hear is me banging my head off the table repeatedly.

Canadians love to mock Americans for their allegiance to God, but here we are under the monarchy, essentially our spiritual leader — specifically, an awkward family led by an old woman from another country who speaks to God on our behalf.

If I were religious, I would wonder why everybody else gets to speak with The Boss while I keep getting forwarded to the regional office.

I trust that very few people accept the crown on a religious level, but then the question becomes: Why do we need a monarchy at all?

The monarchy exists so that we can: 1. Pretend they’re not real people; and 2. Act shocked when they act like real people. If they do something normal, like grieve at a funeral, we laud them for being just like us. If they do something normal like get a divorce, we rip them for being just like us. Can’t we just skip the whole charade?

Even on its most frivolous level, the monarchy is redundant. It was annoying to me in the ’90s because it was clearly the Mount Everest of pop culture, famous “because it’s there.”

But today, who isn’t famous for being famous? What reality show contestant doesn’t think they speak for the masses? What celebrity doesn’t believe they have the wisdom of a God? And if everyone can be king or queen, why do we need one?

Common sense is dead. Long live the king.