Jon Stewart skewers Trump's executive orders on Colbert show
"The new official language of the United States is bulls--t," Stewart declared on the "Late Show."
It seems the only thing that can get Jon Stewart going is the president.
The former "Daily Show"host made a surprise appearance on buddy Stephen Colbert’s "Late Show" Tuesday night, and had some sharp words for President Donald Trump.
Colbert opens his bit commenting on USA Today's headline, "10 Days, 20 Orders," suggesting after all the executive orders Trump has signed in just the first few days of his presidency, he must be done.
Decked out in a comically oversized red tie and a "dead animal" positioned on his head, Stewart threw punches at the president's fashion sense. And he replied to Colbert — "He's not done" — offering to share Trump's upcoming orders.
No. 1: "By the authority vested in me by the Constitution, I, Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump, hereby direct that, to secure our border, China shall immediately and without hesitation send us their wall. Done."
As for how he'll compel Mexico to pay for that wall, Stewart says when it arrives at the southern border, the U.S. will turn the lights off and pretend we're not home.
Moving on to No. 2: "I,Donald J. Lincoln Kennedy Trump III do pronounce America now finally has an official language: The new official language of the United States is bulls--t," Stewart said, instructing his staff to "speak only in bulls--t," not just at work, but all the time. "Immersion — it's the only way to be fluent."
But it wasn't all fun. Stewart's classic skewering humor came with a third and final executive order.
"I, Donald J. Trump, do declare by executive order that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting,"Stewart said. "It has been 11 days, Stephen. Eleven f-----gdays. Eleven!The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public."
Stewart continues: "The reason I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse of power."
"It is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, Donald J. Trump, from going full Palpatine," Stewart continued in a reference to the Emperor of the Galactic Empire in the "Star Wars" trilogy. "With the lightning coming out of the fingertips and the ‘fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.’ We have never faced this before — purposeful, vindictive chaos."
"But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of I, Donald J. Trump’s presidency," Stewart said in his closing statement. "No one action will be adequate. All action will be necessary. And if we do not allow Donald Trump to exhaust our fight and somehow come through this presidency calamity-less, and constitutionally partially intact, then I, Donald J. Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of America, just not the way I thought I was gonna."