Just like starting over: How to feel better after being dumped
The holidays can often be a breaking point for relationships that are onthe fritz, which is why many find themselves down and out at thebeginning of a new year.
The holidays can often be a breaking point for relationships that are on the fritz, which is why many find themselves down and out at the beginning of a new year. But hey, what better time to start over and shed the dysfunction of that no-good ex of yours? Caird Urquhart’s new book, “30 Ways to Better Days: How to Rally After You’ve Been Dumped” offers some key tips for putting your life back together and moving on as healthfully and quickly as possible. She offers us her top tips for starting over:
Don’t react: “You have to sit with it a bit at the end of the relationship,” Urquhart says. “It’s important to not make a lot of really big decisions right away. I personally like to take a year, because you need to go through each season, each celebration and each holiday to grieve that past relationship, because you’re always reminded of what happened this time last year.”
Get a grief team: “A grief team is really important for getting over a relationship,” Urquhart explains. “Often we’ll go to a particular [friend] ... for hours talking about our woes, but you can wear down your friends that way, so I recommend that you have a different person for each day of the week, because you’re going to want to talk about it a lot. Make sure those people have your best interests at heart.”
Get rid of the “stuff”: “Get rid of any old letters, texts or e-mails,” Urquhart says. “Maybe [he or she is] on Facebook, maybe [he or she] left a few things at your apartment. It’s important to tuck that stuff away so that you’re not looking at it every day and giving yourself visual reminders of that person.
That also opens the space up for you to replace them with pictures of your nephews and nieces and your other friends. Replace him or her with other moments in your life.”
Don’t ask about your ex: “If you’re going to parties and you’re finding that [his or her] name is always popping up, do not enter those conversations,” Urquhart says. “Don’t look to your [friends] to get information about him [or her]. You just don’t need to know.”
Start doing something new: “Start taking classes with a different group of people. Hang out at a new gym,” Urquhart suggests. “Go to places where you don’t know the people, because that person’s name won’t be in the dialogue. This also frees you up to start recreating yourself.”
Working out the anger
“It’s really important to have an angry time,” says Urquhart. “If you’re a runner, go running. Get out and hit the boxing bag. That’s a non-harmful way of getting the anger out. But also be aware of how long you’re carrying that anger. There’s nothing worse than when someone is five years out of a relationship and they’re still bitter. People can smell that a mile away, and that will hurt your next opportunity to meet somebody.”