Listen up, parents. It’s time you had a frank discussion with your children about — well, you know, doin’ it.

My province is in election mode and sex education became a topic during the campaign, thus proving those “SEX! Now that I’ve got your attention…” campaign signs my fellow students used in junior high elections were an accurate reflection of our political system.

Regardless of your thoughts about sex-ed in school, we can all agree that sexual education begins at home. (My parents never talked to me about it, but they got cable for the TV in my room, which had the same basic effect.)

It’s a problem every generation faces.

 

When kids ask about sex, parents must first ask questions of themselves: How do I change the subject? How tightly do I plug my ears? Are they ready for the “when two people love each other” lie? Or do I stick with the stork? And so on.

But your kid is going to have sex sooner or later (take a moment here to get your heart started again), so you need to tell your children about how birds sometimes get abortions and bees sometimes marry bees of the same gender and all those other fun facts your kids are just clamouring to know.

To help, here are a few tips:

• Remember that you and your children probably have different ideas about what makes for a proper sexual education. They may be expecting Cosmo-style lessons like “57 positions that drive him wild” and “Proper hickey removal,” but it’s important you stay the course and stick with such adult classics as “Triplets: More common than you think” and “Herpes: Your life-long friend.”

• Never be afraid to rap. Kids love rap. A clever rhyme scheme based on a simple message like “Hold on to your hormones” will let your children know that you can riff on bodily functions just like Eminem.

• Explain how sex leads to marriage in much the same way that, in the Star Wars movies, anger leads to the Dark Side.

Now you’re prepared. With these tips, you’ll be able to share with your offspring in elaborate and sometimes graphic discussions.

Or, barring that, just get them cable. It’ll do the rest.

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