We all make mistakes. The chances of making those mistakes increase exponentially when alcohol is involved. In fact, the decisions you make during a night out on the town are almost exclusively regrettable.
Here are just a few of the things that you would never, ever do in real life (read: sober) but seem like a really good idea at 2 a.m.
- Ask the DJ to play an obnoxious pop track from the mid-2000s — think Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl — and scream “THIS IS MY JAM” at anyone within earshot.
- Wear sunglasses indoors. Convince yourself that sunglasses are a fun prop and that wearing them at night will make people think you are a hilariously zany individual. If Corey Hart can do it, so can you.
- Get into a heated discussion about religion/politics/anything of a sensitive nature. Assume you are correct no matter how outlandish your point is. There is no reasoning with someone under the influence of drunk logic.
- Order a pitcher of beer … for yourself. When the server asks: “What type of beer?” Respond with: “Surprise me.”
- Get all confession-y and tell your best friend about that time you hooked up with her ex-boyfriend/brother/dad.
- Purchase a large pulled pork poutine with extra gravy or some other calorie-laden late-night snack that you will inevitably spill all over yourself. Not that it matters, one of your friends accidently poured a double vodka cranberry down your back an hour ago.
- Send (what you think are) nonchalant text messages to that guy you went on a few dates with back in May. You didn’t really like him and it didn’t go anywhere but for some reason you feel the need to see what he’s up to right now.
- Walk home barefoot through the city streets. Hepatitis be damned, your feet really hurt from wearing cheap heels all night long and five kilometres isn’t really that far of a walk anyway.
- Facebook-creep your ex. Wind up in a shameful spiral of despair before falling asleep on your keyboard. Wake up at 5:30 a.m. to a photo album titled I Luv U Babe featuring him and his new girlfriend who you suspect is at least five years younger than you.
- Decide that the remedy for nausea is not water, but tequila.
So be sure to proceed with caution on your next night of summertime revelry. Engage in any one of these activities and you will guarantee yourself a miserable morning after.