Another day, another interesting refugee turns up in Vancouver.
First it was the Tamil migrants who freaked the federal government out so much they’ve introduced a law to prevent it from ever happening again.
Now it’s Hollywood character actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi, who are seeking refuge from the United States because they’re afraid if they stay, they’ll be murdered by an evil cabal known as Star Whackers. Famous whackees to date allegedly include Heath Ledger and David Carradine.
I’m having my jaw wired shut so I don’t say anything more in public about the legitimacy of the Star Whacker conspiracy.
Whatever the claim, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the Quaid’s legal problems back in L.A. where they are charged with living illegally in a house they once owned, $7,000 worth of vandalism on the same house, and skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill.
Or that Dog the Bounty Hunter has threatened to track them down if they don’t turn themselves in.
Isn’t life great? If you’re a columnist, you’re never at a loss for great material.
No word yet on what kind of law the government is going to draft to handle the Quaid situation. But I’ll bet the scribes are busy.
Randy Quaid is no ordinary refugee here in Hollywood North. He’s been in more than 100 movies from laff riots like the National Lampoon's Vacation series to serious stuff like Brokeback Mountain. He’s been great in all of them, even the ones that bark, but did aliens write his latest script? Is this a reality show on Mars?
Fortunately, there’s always a professor for these things, especially in America, where free speech is always more important than the speech itself.
Paul S. Appelbaum, a professor of psychiatry, medicine and law (his mom is so proud of him) at Columbia, says this sort of thing happens to people who are talented, smart or athletically gifted. “It amounts to pretending that something distressing doesn’t exist, otherwise called denial.”
Good thing I’m none of the above.
So the Quaids are here until the immigration officials decide if they have a legitimate refugee claim (no comment, jaw wired shut).
That could be very complicated. After all, 9/11 was an inside job. Where does it end?
But I have a better idea. Why don’t we propose a swap? We’ll take our own Prince of Pot Marc Emery back if the U.S. takes Randy and Evi back. And if they don’t think a two-for-one is fair, we’ll give them future considerations. The next full moon is never more than a month away.