May 21: CDC helps fight zombie apocalypse

Good news, the government is looking out for us!

 


Good news: The government is looking out for us! (Or, alternate interpretation: Someone in the government has a lot of free time on their hands.)

 

The helpful public servants at the Center for Disease Control have released a winking guide for saving yourself in the event of a possible zombie invasion. Why? We don't know either. But it's funny!

 

From "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse":

 


1. Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information. Family members meeting by their mailbox. You should pick two meeting places, one close to your home and one farther away

2. Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.


3. Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are OK.


4. Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.



These are all good tips! However, we noticed something was missing: weapons! (Maybe because it was written by a government employee?) So, here's Metro's addendum to the CDC report, about how to actually go about killing zombies:


What kind of zombies are they? Are they slow or fast? How does the disease spread, through bites or through fluids? Do you need to destroy the brain, or just do anything that would kill a normal human? All of these things are very important!


If they are slow, get close: Yeah, shotguns look cool, but why worry about reloading or finding ammo? A nice baseball bat or machete should do the trick here.


If they are fast, stay away: Why get in the middle of a ferocious fast-zombie hoarde? Keep your distance, like they did in "28 Days Later." (It'll work out better for your group if you guys don't turn into an army of murderous rapists like they did in that film.)


Defense: Find a good fort! Some examples:



A modern fortress.



Unless you prefer something a little more rustic?



Or you could just go for the classic.


Did we miss anything? What are your zombie survival tips?

 
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