Nurturing a better sex life is about the simple things
Metro talks with a sexologist on the pressure couples are under to haveamazing sex on certain dates. Her advice? Make every day Valentine’s Day.
How would you define the term “sexologist”?
“As someone who has had graduate-level academic training in human sexuality, has studied human sexual behaviour and psychology,” says Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright. She should know.
Fulbright is a sexologist by trade, and the author of five books, including Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hotspots.
Is there a lot of pressure on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day for couples to have better-than-usual sex?
There’s so much hype around the holiday for men to make it not just the most romantic night, but also full of the best sex of your lives. Because it’s been dictated that this holiday is more about material goods, I think a lot of people just feel like they’re going through the motions rather than take it as a day to show appreciation and love, and to celebrate romance and intimacy.
What advice would you give a couple who was looking to recapture the spark in their sex life?
A lot of couples need to start over at square one, which is wooing each other. Forget trying to have sex on a regular basis — try to remember why you’re attracted to each other and try to feel reconnected. Try to fall in love all over again.
How do you woo someone who sees you drooling on your pillow in the morning?
Approach it delicately. Say, “I want to start doing special things for you. I’ve got a couple ideas of my own (even if you don’t), but I feel like I can do a better job if you tell me what would be meaningful to you.” The other person might not know what to make of it at first, but ultimately they’re going to feel like their ego has been stroked. People like feeling flattered, they like feeling desired. That’s what has always annoyed me personally about this holiday: People should treat every day like it’s Valentine’s Day. We shouldn’t just be nice to each other once a year.
Does the way the media portrays sex and romance set unrealistic expectations for Valentine’s Day?
I think one thing the media fails to do, except around this holiday, is romanticize sex enough. We actually tend to cast it as something very separate from the rest of ourselves, something that should be amazing with relatively little effort, some quick moves, a couple hot spots hit and a lot of goals in mind. The bigger picture is that it’s about emotions and what’s really going on in the relationship. We have to spend more time thinking about the basics — how love and romance make for a better sex life.