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Resolutions that pass the smell test

So, I was planning to write about how New Year’s resolutions are stupid. But then — like so many doubters before me — I noticed that my dirty dishes were stuck together.

So, I was planning to write about how New Year’s resolutions are stupid. But then — like so many doubters before me — I noticed that my dirty dishes were stuck together.

I tried to lift a cup in my sink and several pieces came up in one clump, not unlike Crunch n’ Munch. That’s when my little shoulder angel guy — he’s a bachelor like me — appeared and said, “Dude, you need some resolutions.”

And it’s true.

Since my divorce a couple of years ago, I’ve been repeating my life up to that point: First as a snivelling child, then as a randy teenager, and now I’m back to my early 20s, where Pop Tarts are breakfast and pants are optional. I’m a bachelor through and through — not in the “most eligible,” wearing-a-sport-coat kind of way, but in the “most irresponsible,” wearing-jogging-pants kind of way.

With that in mind, I will embrace the following resolutions, so by 2012 I will be a better man — an adult one, hopefully.

John’s 2011 resolutions:
When the smell makes it so I must choose between washing the dishes and Febreezing the area around the sink, I will do the dishes. Or at least throw them out.

I resolve to never again use the can-I-wear-it smell test.

I further resolve that, if I am forced to use the smell test, I will not keep smelling the article of the clothing until I find a spot fresh enough to justify wearing it.

I resolve to reflect upon why so many of my problems involve smelling things.

I resolve to never again make too-small underwear fit comfortably by cutting through the bands around the leg holes.

When I kill an insect that has crawled out of the loveseat, I will look to see if there are others, rather than assuming that a toothpick with its thorax on it will serve as a warning to the other insects to stay where they are.

I will use that square-ish thing in the kitchen — not the thing that keeps the beer cold and the cheese crusty, but the other thing, with the four circles of pain on top.

I resolve to continue using the steam from the shower to iron my clothes instead of buying an iron, because that just makes sense.

I pledge to do all these things. Or at the very least, cover the smell with Pledge.

 
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