Last week, I began a crusade to save the world, and though my solutions to the economic crisis have not been implemented — and more importantly, “Mad Men”’s Christina Hendricks has yet to be delivered to my apartment — I refuse to let that stop me.
So this week I’m tackling climate change and global warming, those two meteorological jerks trying to ruin everyone’s good time. This is the major problem facing my generation, because all the previous generations refused to do anything about it. They assumed it was man’s job to kill animals, chop down trees, and throw what’s left into the nearest convenient river or sky. As a result, we’ve only got an hour before the Earth floods, killing anything of polar bear-or-higher levels of adorability.
It seems like we’ve tried everything to fix the Earth — documentaries, rock concerts, NBC sitcom theme nights — to no effect. But some of the most obvious solutions still haven’t been tried. For instance, if only 56 percent of people turned themselves into plants we could absorb all the extra carbon in the air. And did you know global warming isn’t even against the law? Mother Earth might think twice about changing her climate if she was facing life without parole.
And why should humanity shoulder the entire burden? Animals live on this planet, too, and need to expect to pitch in. In olden days, roaming pigs cleaned cities of their refuse. Why not train pigs to fly and eat excess carbon? They’ll eat anything. They’re pigs!
All other great ideas aside, global warming demands serious and difficult changes in our own lifestyles and daily habits. The first step to making the Earth cooler has to be making ourselves cooler: wearing sunglasses and leather jackets, only listening to bands on independent recording labels, and our new favorite movie is “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Soon we’ll be so cool that global warming, feeling lame and inadequate, will go bother some other, more approachable planet and we can finally stop pretending we’re going to put solar panels on our roofs. Problem solved!
– Elliott Kalan is an Emmy-winning writer for “The Daily Show.”
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