We’re not talking about having sex with your roommate — if you’re doing that, poor soul, then even we can’t save you from the inevitable blow-up. No, we’re talking about the delicate issue of when, where and how to have sex if you happen to share your apartment with a platonic roomie. If you don’t want to end up back on Craigslist — and we all know what kind of roommate that will lead to — then follow these six simple rules:

1
As tempting as it may be, do not have sex in shared spaces or on public furniture, e.g. the chaise lounge in the living room or the kitchen table. You never know when your roommate may show up unexpected, and no one deserves to have his or her morning Cheerios ritual forever spoiled by that sight. Even if your roommate never catches you, it’s just plain bad manners for him or her to unwittingly sit on your love spot while watching TV.

2
The shower and bathtub, however, are acceptable staging areas because of their built-in clean-up feature and also the nature of bathrooms, in general (i.e. dirty things happen behind locked potty doors ... the key word here being locked). However, this should happen only when your roommate is out, or when he or she has already brushed teeth and retired for the night. Trust us, your roommate will not find your morning bathroom nookie endearing if he or she is late for work. Also, wrap the used condom in TP before leaving it in the bathroom trash can, would ya?

3 If you have the good fortune of having separate bedrooms, then make sure you close your bedroom door behind you and keep your howls of ecstasy at a low volume.

4 It should go without saying that your roommate’s bed is strictly off limits.

5
Finally, if your roommate is having sex behind his or her closed door, do not disturb, even if the cooing is keeping you up — to intrude is a punishment that does not fit the crime. Plug your ears and wait until morning when you can politely ask your roommate, in private, to respect your boundaries.

 

Em & Lo’s latest book is “SEX: How to Do Everything.”
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