Drunk-dialing — we’ve all been there. For the record, not all booty calls conducted under the influence are considered drunk-dialing. It’s only drunk-dialing if you’re making a call that you will actually regret in the morning, whether or not that call results in booty. Typically when you drunk-dial, you’re calling someone you’re having sex with, someone you want to have sex with, or someone you used to have sex with when you shouldn’t. This is particularly common after a breakup or near closing time. A designated dialer is a friend who agrees to monitor your cell phone usage and watch for you waxing nostalgic (or waxing horny) with that misty look in your eyes, which usually precipitates a drunken dial. Some tips:
1. A designated dialer needs your prior, sober permission to confiscate any mobile calling devices should they find your judgment to be seriously impaired.
2. We don’t care if you’ve never drunk-dialed in your life: If you’ve recently been dumped, we advise selecting a designated dialer, just in case.
3. Again, we don’t care if you’ve never drunk-dialed in your life: If you’ve just met someone new and you are determined to maintain the upper hand, select a designated dialer just in case. There’s nothing like a 2 a.m. call too early in a relationship to put all your cards on the table.
4. A note to designated dialers: If your friend just wants to drunk-dial their BFF to slur, beer-commercial-style, “I love you, man!” there is no need to stop them. This is kind of cute.
5. If, however, your friend tries to drunk-dial his or her mom, confiscate their phone immediately. Therapy may be in order.
6. Just because someone can’t hear you slur when you text or e-mail, doesn’t mean that these sorts of messages can’t be equally embarrassing. So designated dialers: Feel free to confiscate mobile devices if you suspect drunk texting or e-mailing.