So spring is officially here and with the warmer weather comes longer days, fewer layers of clothing and increasing sexual appetites. Better known as spring fever.
Now don’t get me wrong — I’m a big fan of temperate nights and flirtatious activity. But when a budding new romance turns into a public groping session, it’s time for an intervention.
Yes, I’m talking about you, the PDA-perpetrators who treat every park bench like your own private boudoir. Public displays of affection are like cheap cologne — tolerable in very small doses but utterly nauseating in large quantities.
We’ve all been there. When a new relationship begins, every moment together is so magnificent that you get caught up in your own little world. Every brush of your fingertips is magical, even a peck on the cheek is electric.
But while you might think your amorous conduct is endearing, the rest of us certainly don’t agree. When you’re in new-couple mode it’s easy to forget that the people around you don’t want to be an audience to your heavy breathing and earlobe nibbling. So please, stop sitting on the same side of the booth at restaurants and spoon-feeding each other desert — this kind of behaviour isn’t appetizing for your fellow diners.
Passionate antics like this might be acceptable for teenagers. After all, they have nowhere else to snuggle but in the back row of a movie theatre. But come on people, most of you have your own homes, or at least your own bedrooms, where you could partake in the sexy early stages of your blossoming romance.
Maybe I should relax. I know these lovey dovey couples aren’t really doing me any harm ... other than maybe upsetting my stomach a little. But when the participants in a hormonally charged PDA session are anyone but you, broadcasting this kind of intimacy seems pretty disgusting. It’s hypocritical but true.
So if the onset of springtime temperatures has you feeling frisky, I have just one request for you: Don’t do anything on the bus you wouldn’t do in front of your parents. I know you’re enamoured with each other but remember, grocery stores, libraries and other public places are not an ideal venue for foreplay. Let’s agree to keep our hands (and our tongues) to ourselves this season for the sake of each other’s gag reflexes.