I was going to write a book about the differences between men and women, until a friend pointed out that 86,493 authors had beaten me to it. Instead, I’ll boil down the differences between guys and gals in this space so you can get through life without having to read “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.”

 

Both genders have behaviors that make them unique. Take the decidedly female practice of reusing a shopping bag from a fancy store you once shopped at, so that everyone you pass can clearly see that you — or at least someone you know — once bought something at Tiffany or Bloomingdale’s. Men don’t do this. And don’t blame us guys for imagining what comes between you and your Calvins when we see you walking around with your little repurposed Victoria’s Secret bag.

 

Speaking of wearing skimpy things, men are the only gender that places cell phone communications in such high regard that they’ll disfigure their very visage in the name of convenience. Yes, it’s those ridiculous clip-on Bluetooth phones we’re talking about. When was the last time you saw a woman walking around with one of them on?

 

Women think road rage is a waste of time and effort; men seem to find a purpose in it. Men comprehend the concept of buying rounds in bars — a product of them being forced to purchase their own potables for centuries. Women? I can’t say I’ve seen it.

Men think it’s wise to walk home from the gym in the middle of winter in shorts and their winter coat. Women have the good sense to put sweats on. Women refer to their same-sex friends as “my girlfriend So-and-So.” Men don’t.

But let us also salute our similarities. Men and women both feel their blood boil when they’re made to wait at the doctor’s office, and decompress when they slip on their favorite jeans. Both genders still dig Seinfeld, say “at the end of the day” a little too much and dopily stare at their BlackBerrys while strolling down the street — whether that street is on Mars or on Venus.

– Michael Malone is a New York-based writer. He details his commuting woes on Trainjotting.com.

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