‘More than 1,000 dead birds fall from sky in Ark.’

GOOGLE.COM, JAN. 2
Zombie Noah wanted for questioning.



‘Search for dogs that attacked guard llama continues’

SUNJOURNAL.COM, JAN. 3
Meanwhile, our search for a guard llama has just begun.



‘Do your kids shower after gym class?’

ORLANDOSENTINEL.COM, JAN. 2
Nods for ‘Creepiest Headline of 2011’ are coming in early.



‘Republicans take control of US House of Representatives’
BBC.CO.UK, JAN. 5
New speaker demands Obama stand down or he will be
forced to destroy the moon and blame it on the Dems.



‘Why do kids dress for June when it’s January?’

WASHINGTONPOST.COM, JAN. 3
Have you ever met kids? They’re idiots.



‘Clowns killed in ... drug gang hit’

MYFOXLA.COM, JAN. 4
Hopefully it was some of those Insane Posse people.

‘Oldest person in Florida dies’
CFNEWS13.COM, JAN. 1
Don’t worry, they’ve got more. Take this next guy for instance ...



‘100-year-old helps deliver Meals on Wheels’

KMBC.COM, JAN. 4
At his age, the only way this guy is delivering anything is on wheels.



I don’t like to brag, but I happen to be really good at it.



Poking fun at the lactose intolerant is a little bit cruel,
but secretly adding milk to their pastries is whey cruller.



Breakfast burritos are 50 percent white guilt.



As far as city life goes, moving is one of the worst things in the world.
I just try to sit completely still.