‘Luxury makes a comeback for the well-heeled’
MSNBC.MSN.COM, FEB. 28
Now all the rest of us have to do is open wide and wait for that trickle to roll downhill!



‘General ordering probe into report of mind tricks’

NEWS.YAHOO.COM, FEB. 25
Quit playing dumb, Obi-Wan.



‘Help Wanted: Fargo strains to fill jobs’

ONLINE.WSJ.COM, FEB. 26
Wanted: Assassin for hire. Preferably not funny lookin’.



‘Naperville man sends $200K to fake online girlfriend’

CHICAGOTRIBUNE.COM, FEB. 27
For $200,000 we’re prepared to be your real, live girlfriend. Send c/o Brayden Simms.



‘Obama asks business leaders to do their part’

NEWS.YAHOO.COM, FEB. 25
Haven’t they done enough?



‘Assange complains of Jewish smear campaign’

NYTIMES.COM, MAR. 1
Bagels are here to stay, bub.




‘The trouble with bright girls’

HUFFINGTONPOST.COM, MAR. 1
They know better.



‘Scholarships exclusively for white males’

STATESMAN.COM, FEB. 24
Conservative action?



‘Small nuclear war could reverse global warming for years’

NATIONALGEOGRAPHIC.COM, FEB. 22
Dick Cheney is Keyser Söze.



‘Tic toc, so far I’m with you. But afterwards I usually just stop.’



‘Some time in the past decade, “No” ceased being the correct answer to “Does this make
my butt look big?”’



‘I play up my Judaism only to hide my bald spot’