“Tits bouncing back in warmer weather”
THESUN.CO.UK, MAR. 31
Dirty birds.



“Masturbation calms restless leg syndrome”
NEWSCIENTIST.COM, APR. 1
Our legs get plenty of rest, if you know what we mean.
(Habitual inactivity.)



“Baseball players charged over chicken sacrifice”
MYFOXNY.COM, APR. 1
Way off base, fellas. In this country, we outsource our
animal cruelty to corporations.



“8 outrageous executive perks”
FINANCE.YAHOO.COM, APR. 5
No. 2: Not going to jail.
No. 1: Having a job.



“Bristol Palin earns $262K for teen pregnancy work”
WRCBTV.COM, APR. 5
Not bad for nine months of work.




“Kate Middleton can sell anything”
HOLLYSCOOP.COM, APR. 5
Kate: Have you considered a career in the burgeoning field of print news?



“Why we must raise taxes on the rich”
SALON.COM, APR. 4
Because the rest of us don’t have any money left?



“2 busted in slay of Megatron”
NYPOST.COM, APR. 7
So far, no comments from Michael Bay, Shia LaBeouf.



“Not even breathing is safe in Iraq”
WIRED.COM, MAR. 31
Emissions accomplished.



“Miss. Republicans: Inter-racial marriage should be illegal”
AMERICABLOG.COM, APR. 7
Worst pageant ever.



“Bishops agree sex abuse rules”
THEPOST.IE, APR. 5
At least they’re honest about it.