Metro columnist Ellis Henican imagines a possible conversation between President Donald Trump and his attorney Ty Cobb as the two prepare for the president to face an interrogation from special counsel Robert Mueller.
Attorney Ty Cobb: Special counsels don’t invite people over just for friendly chitchat. Robert Mueller’s going to put you under oath.
President Donald Trump: I’ve been under oath lots of times. I’ll just wing it like I did before.
Cobb: Have you ever heard the expression “perjury trap”? We really need to practice here.
Trump: I never lie. I just exaggerate, embellish and blurt out whatever delusional fantasy I happened to hear on “Fox & Friends.” In real estate, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
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Cobb: Like when you said that Mexicans are drug dealers, criminals and rapists?
Trump: Some of them could be.
Cobb: Like when you insisted you had no idea your lawyer paid that porn star $130,000 in hush money?
Trump: Lawyers do that all the time.
Cobb: Like when you said Scott Pruitt’s sweetheart condo deal is ”about market rate”? Don’t all those sheiks and lobbyists pay you more than $50 to stay in your new Washington hotel?
Trump: But Trump rooms come with Trump brand chocolates on the pillow.
Cobb: Okay, let’s get some practice in. What if Mueller asks, “Do you know any Russians?”
Trump: I’ll tell him I like Russian dressing on my salad. That’ll throw him off.
Cobb: Don’t be so sure, Mr. President. What about that time Jared, Don Jr. and Manafort met with all those Russians in Trump Tower?
Trump: It’s a beautiful 58-story building — 57 since the fire. But I’m not the security guard. I don’t see everyone who comes through the lobby, though the marble is drop-dead gorgeous, by the way.
Cobb: But the meeting with the Russians was in the conference room right next to your office. So why can’t you ever criticize Vladimir Putin?
Trump: I will criticize him. Putin has less hair than I do. Though, to be fair, everyone can see he wears his wispy combover in a very virile fashion, like a real leader does.
Cobb: Maybe this isn’t a good idea, after all — you raising your right hand and swearing to tell the truth.
Trump: If Mueller gets too close, I’ll just fire him.
Metro columnist Ellis Henican is the bestselling author of a dozen book including “Trumpitude: The Secret Confessions of Donald’s Brain.” Join Ellis on Twitter @henican.