So much has changed now. New president. Busy new agenda. New fiascos every day. In Trump’s America, even familiar words and phrases have had their meaning turned upside down.
Take “Republican unity.” It used to be that GOPers in Washington found easy agreement: Hillary was awful. Obama was worse. What else do you need to know? But since Donald Trump became the president, those very same Republicans can’t even agree on the best way to yank Nana’s health care. Double-charge the elderly? Legalize substandard insurance? Karate chop Medicaid? Even scary Steve Bannon couldn’t unite this warring mob!
To eliminate any further confusion, here is Donald Trump’s Personal Dictionary, a handy guide to the vital terms every American should know.
TAP MY PHONES: Do absolutely nothing to me.
THE CLOSER: One who swoops in noisily near the end and fails to make a deal.
NATO: An outmoded freeloaders’ society.
NOT A MUSLIM BAN: A Muslim ban.
TWITTER: My id in 140 characters.
RUSSIAN HACKERS: True American patriots.
GENERAL FLYNN: A good man driven from office by media lies.
GOP: Abbreviation for Gushing Over Putin.
100 DAYS: The initial phase of a presidential administration during which nothing is accomplished.
DAY ONE: When I will ban the Muslims, build the wall, b-slap China and give all Americans bargain health insurance they will absolutely love—a synonym for “maybe never.”
OBAMACARE: A ticking time bomb.
EXTREMELY CREDIBLE SOURCE: Something I think I heard somewhere.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: The lead article on Breitbart.com.
ART OF THE DEAL: A best-selling fantasy title from 1987.
THE APPRENTICE: How I’m approaching my amazing presidency.
ALT-RIGHT: For those who thought the Old Right was way too liberal.
EXTREME VETTING: Muslim welcome wagon.
IMMIGRANTS: Rapists, murderers, drug dealers, terrorists, etc.
FREEDOM CAUCUS: A diabolical band of double-crossers just begging for my brutal revenge.
10 EYES FOR AN EYE: Favorite Bible verse (edited).
MAR-A-LAGO: Spanish for “gorgeous beachside brand-builder.”
BLIND TRUST: Close your eyes and trust me.
3 MILLION ILLEGAL VOTERS: A phantom, like Sasquatch, my tax forms and Melania’s immigration file.
FAKE NEWS: Any story that reflects poorly on me.
THE TRUTH: An utterly irrelevant technicality.
Metro columnist Ellis Henican is a veteran journalist, a bestselling author and a frequent commentator on CNN and other TV networks. Follow him on Twitter @henican.