’Tis the season to get a bit festive and if your family is anything like mine, “festive” means, well, drunk.
What can I say? We can all get a little too merry around the holidays. With so many libations to overindulge in, it’s good to remind yourself what your cocktail of choice says about your personality. After all, you are what you drink.
Wine: You’re mature and sophisticated, or at least you want people to think you are. You carry on pseudo-intellectual conversations and roll your eyes at people who mispronounce Gewürztraminer.
Domestic beer: You’re a Canadian.
Imported beer: You’re a Canadian who went to Europe for a couple of weeks.
Cosmopolitan: You think your drink is super cute and it totally matches your shoes and, oh my God, you’re such a Carrie, no wait — you’re totally a Samantha.
Red Bull and vodka: You are three months away from a full-blown cocaine addiction — or a heart attack.
Screwdriver: This is your first time at a bar and you saw someone on TV order this drink once.
Whiskey: You’re sporting a non-ironic moustache and own a diverse collection of sweater vests.
Shots: The drink of choice of the young, single and desperate to get laid.
Malt liquor: You drive a pickup truck and have no taste buds.
Martini: You’re a relatively experienced drinker that doesn’t mind sitting alone at the bar because your Bluetooth headset makes you feel important. On the other hand, you might be James Bond.
Pimms: You enjoy polo shirts, tennis and speaking in a fake British accent.
Caesar: You haven’t stopped drinking since the night before and are wondering why on Earth those lights are so f---ing bright.
Rum: Ahoy there!
Jägermeister: You are younger than 22 and intend on making some terrible life decisions before the end of the night.
Champagne: Two words, high maintenance.
Hard lemonade: Your older brother just bought you and your friends a four-pack of florescent coloured alcho-pops that you think are just so badass. Don’t worry, your high school party will have plenty of bushes for you to puke in.
Sherry: Ah, Frasier Crane — how nice of you to join us.
Piña colada: You’d rather be at the beach or gettin’ caught in the rain.
A bottle of premium liquor: You routinely spend half of your paycheque on bottle service at pretentious nightclubs in the hopes of luring drunken party-goers into your booth.