Actress Mercedes Masöhn, of the new series The Finder, shares her list of things she’d like to find

  • Waldo (his parents must be sick with worry ... he’s been missing for ages!).

  • A needle in a hay stack (I want the bragging rights).

  • Rumplestiltskin (he can spin straw into gold... enough said).

  • My boyfriend from kindergarten (he stole my HULK action figure and I WANT IT BACK!).

  • The Tooth Fairy (she “forgot” to leave me a dollar for my third incisor when she took it from under my pillow in 1986 ... that’s theft if you ask me ... let’s just say that dollar has collected some interest and penalties ... according to my calculations, the Tooth Fairy owes me $3,673.00).

  • My self-dignity (I don’t want to talk about it).

  • A time machine (so I can return to the fateful night of July 25th, 1991... after sneaking out of bed to watch The Exorcist ... which caused me such fright that I was unable to sleep in my room on my own ... which led me to my parents’ room in search of some solace...which led me to a most ghastly discovery, my parents engaging in what can only be described as animalistic savagery ... which consequently led to an adulthood filled with night terrors and three-hour long showers.

(ED NOTE: Readers should know that Mercedes is dictating this from the shower where she is scrubbing her flesh raw in a fetal position.)

• The Finder airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on Global

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