Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) is meeting with Portia de Rossi (I refuse to learn her character’s name). Portia thinks her phone is bugged and wants Liv to find out who did it. Huck immediately discovers theculprit is Cyrus, who admits to Liv that Portia hired a prostitute, Michael, to seduce him and get information.
Cyrus feels dumb for walking into the trap, and for falling for a prostitute. His excuse for liking Michael is that Michael isn’t real…not like he’s a robot, just that he’s a whore…not that whores are zombies, just that…it’s complicated.
So Liv tells Portia the problem with her phone was only a virus that came from her daughters iPad. Then Huck digs up all the dirt Michael has on Cyrus, including truly and unintentionally hilarious pictures of them doing it. In one, Cyrus looks like he’s making faces at a baby, not engaging in a sex act. In another, I’m pretty sure they’re actually just riding a carousel.
Anyway, Liv confronts Michael and discovers he never gave Portia the photos or anything that would incriminate Cyrus, because he does care for him. He also tells Liv about Portia’s secret sex apartment. Did anyone else notice the exclusive preview for “50 Shades of Grey” during this episode?
Camp Make Out
Okay, I have a question confession: does it make me a deviant to think Jake (Scott Foley) even looks hot all beaten up. I’m not saying he’s hot *because he’s been battered, just in spite of it. You know how when a man wakes up next to a woman and says, “You’re even beautiful in the morning”? I’m saying, “Jake, I would still hit it after you were tortured.”
He and Olivia and President Fitzgerald Grant (Tony Goldwyn) are meeting in the presidential bunker to decide how to take down Papa Pope. If Jake is released, Papa will know they’re after him, and if they reveal their only evidence — secret B613 files — the country will know about the illegal assassins on the nation’s payroll.
They’ll figure it out later, don’t worry about it, quick look: Liv and Fitz are alone in a corridor. He says he knows she wants to kiss him, and tells her that, if she does, this one will be for free, no price. They do, and it’s awesome. Also, by Cyrus’s rules, if you’re not paying for it, it’s real. So believe, #Olitz fans.
The Three Musketeers meet again to decide how to capture Papa. Liv orchestrates a setup like she’s legit New Jersey mafia: She’ll lure him to a public place, unguarded, by asking for emotional support over dinner. Even though he’s a serial killer, this betrayal was difficult to watch.
Adventures in babysitting
So a bomb explodes in Vice President Andrew’s car. He’s not in it. Mellie is so relieved, she has sex with him. And along the way, he rips open her blouse. Did I mention they ran an exclusive preview for “50 Shades of Grey”?
Later Mellie apologizes for shutting him out, and says that, when the bomb went off, her body woke up. That is a weird sexual trigger, but apparently I’m into battered men, so I won’t judge. Either way, it’s too bad for her: since she’s been gone, his body started sharing awake time with Portia de Rossi.
Huck installed cameras in Portia’s secret sex pad, and brings his son along because that’s the only time they can hang, and because Huck doesn’t understand basic parenting.
When Portia arrives, she’s with Kubiak — the goon who killed those teenagers to cover up a file of pictures of Liv, which still hasn’t been explained. Huck sends his son to buy ice cream. But she’s not boinking Kubiak. She’s boinking the Vice President, who shows up and kicks Kubiak out.
Then Kubiak discovers the surveillance truck, busts through its window, and tries to kill Huck and Quinn. Instead, Huck kills him, and then realizes his son has witnessed the whole thing, while holding an ice cream cone.
You know what: an ice cream cone, that’s what it looks like Cyrus is excited about in those sex photos.
Who’s your daddy?
Olivia looks uncomfortable eating with her father, but not as uncomfortable as I felt watching the betrayal. This will not go well. Oof, now he’s apologizing for being a bad father, and saying how much she’s meant to him, and that everything he’s done is because of her or for her.
Huh, that’s odd: All of these statements are in the past tense. Because, bam!, suddenly the snipers surrounding the restaurant get sniped themselves. Papa knew about the whole plan. Cut to David Rosen opening the boxes of files and discovering every page is blank. Cut back to Papa threateningly explaining that if Olivia thought her life was difficult with him, wait till she sees how hard it will be without him.
The winter finale is next week! Will we learn Portia’s involvement with Kubiak? Will they kill Papa Pope? Will Mellie’s body fall asleep? Will Cyrus put another quarter in the carousel? Let’s meet back here afterward to debrief.