The pictures of Cyrus (Jeff Perry) and Micheal (the hooker) having sex (but it looks more like they’re riding a carousel) are leaked to the press by Portia de Rossi. Another sex scandal in the White House: we’re really getting back to basics. President Fitz (Tony Goldwyn) wants to fight it so Liv suggests Cyrus and Michael get married, because America loves a love story and it’ll be just like Pretty Woman. Also, Cyrus will still pay Michael, but he’ll have to pay it all back if he breaks the contract. Just like Pretty Woman.
Michael agrees and Cyrus balks, wondering why, and reminding Michael that he’s the most famous gay hooker in America and could easily make a fortune starring in the “porn version of Inside Cyrus Beene.” Um, I don’t know much about the salaries of porn spoofs, but I’m pretty sure that 100% of people who watch them don’t know the name of our current White House Chief of Staff. Anyway, Cyrus backs out and resigns instead. Fitz is reluctant, but ultimately lets him. It was drawn out. It was moving. I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the end of the story line.
Then, bam!, Liv comes to his apartment and calls him a bitch baby: “The Cyrus I know doesn’t hide in his closet and wet his pants like a little bitch baby.” He screams, “I’m not a little bitch baby!”, which is kind of what a bitch baby would say, but whatever.
They go ahead with the marriage. And the press and America buy it — who’s the bitch baby now, huh?
Kill or be killed
Jake (Scott Foley) kills an assassin seconds before his attack, and finds a mocked up playing card in his pocket with Jake’s picture on it: a kill card. This is how Rowan is disposing of B613’s former assassins, now that he’s on the run. But then who kills the assassins who kill the assassins? My brain hurts.
Quinn goes to warn Charlie. She pretends she doesn’t want him for 3-4 seconds, and then they boink. Afterward, she finds he has a kill card with her picture on it. They beat each other up. Then he says he can’t kill her, and she consoles him for losing his Granny Fran, whom I’m pretty sure he Jack Kevorkianed.
She was only mad at him because of how much he screwed up Huck’s life by finding Huck’s family. He offers to make amends by sharing some B613 files he stole. Huck leaves them on his wife’s doorstep, begging her to read them so she’ll finally believe he really was a government assassin. But this is hard to believe, considering the last time he showed up on her doorstep, he said he knew their son was inside because he’d traced his phone, and then stood with his face pressed against the glass looking deranged, which is really just how he looks all the time.
But wait, Papa Pope has a gun too, and he brought it to Liv’s house. She tells him he’s a sad, sick, lonely man who can only lie. He erupts, shouting “Could you be more ungrateful!” He says she doesn’t realize she’s actually looking in the mirror.
Then she grabs the gun, points it…wait, wait, click. She pulled the trigger. But it wasn’t loaded. He set her up. Bam! She got Poped by a Pope. But he’s devastated. He promises she’ll miss him when he’s gone.
Giving the finger
Huck finds out that the last time Portia, Kubiak, and the Vice President’s cell phones were all in the same room was in Caitlin’s dad’s law office the night Caitlin died. So Quinn cuts off Kubiak’s finger (don’t worry, he’s dead) in order to get through the law firm’s finger-print recognition gate.
She learns that the client billed for hours that night was something called Waco Ink. And they’re like, Texas? But then discover it stands for West Angola Commercial Organization, a subsidiary of the West Angolan government, and its assets are managed by Caitlin’s dad’s law firm.
Also, from video coverage, they put together that, actually, the Vice President knew about his impending car explosion supposedly set by West Angolan terrorists. They did this all because they want Fitz to start a war with West Angola. Except he made clear he’s not going to war. Also, why were they surveilling Olivia?
Meanwhile, Mama Pope is out of the hole, and Liv wants answers about her dad because Mama has “a PhD in his crazy.” But Mama’s sassy and only says, “Girl, you need to move on,” explaining that she can’t even see that she’s exactly like him.
So Liv goes home to dance because she doesn’t want to think about her dad. She tells Jake she wants both Fitz and him, but isn’t going to choose because she’s choosing herself. Next, obviously, they decide to have sex on the piano. But while Jake is figuring out what implements they’ll need for the task, Liv gets kidnapped. And we see the VP telling Fitz he knows the one thing that’s most important to Fitz. (And it’s not his hairstylist.